Sleepless

She tossed uneasily in a restless slumber. Each night she retired to bed wondering what exhausted her more – the nightmares that did not let her sleep soundly, or the nightmarish reality she found herself living every morning? Perhaps, this whole life had been one big mistake.

“If you wish to call it that, at least acknowledge it as a beautiful mistake,” he said.

Her eyelids rolled upwards, and then she rolled them back in – she really was in no mood to open her eyes. “When did you come?” she asked. “I’ve missed you; you know!”
He looked at her serene face that now showed the hint of a faint smile. “I’m right here. Why don’t you just open your eyes.”
She felt him crawl into bed and settling down beside her. “I’ve really missed this,” she sighed as she allowed herself to be spooned. It had been a tiring day, but she knew that he already knew that. He always knew everything. And he always accused her of the same.

She allowed her mind to travel back to the time of their parting. He was the wanderer on a mission to discover new lands. She was the North Star meant to stay fixed. Even if it was in a sky of chaos and muddle. It hadn’t taken him long to realize that no matter how far he went, his compass always pointed in her direction. She was still the point around which his whole world turned. Yet she knew she had to push him away. He was meant for greater things. She too had a different purpose. “It won’t matter,” she had said. “Life’s short, and we’re only here for a brief period of time. Let’s just live our purpose, collect these experiences, and meet on the other side?” It had seemed to be the most sensible thing to do at that time.

As she snuggled up to him, she mumbled, “I wish you were really here. Things are just so easy when you’re around. When I’m lying next to you, in your arms, time seems to have come to a standstill. There really is nothing more I find myself desiring out of this life.”
“I needed this too,” he said, gently kissing her forehead. “You’re my favourite place to go to when my mind needs peace.”

Dreaming of being in the other’s arms, both had a good night’s sleep after ages. The nomad in him wondered how the cosmos managed to travel the world every single minute, every nano-second, every single day. What from him had travelled through into her world even after he’d left? And what part of her had still not left his side? Did anyone ever really leave? Was there any place in the Universe where they could just park themselves forever? Did such a place even exist?

“Not yet,” smiled the Devil. “And, perhaps, never,” and once again, sucked them into the world of nightmares. But it didn’t really matter anymore. 

“Everything is an illusion,” her voice served as a reminder calling out to him even amidst those nightmares.
“And that’s no excuse to not experience everything,” he chuckled and dozed off thinking of her – his favourite illusion.

A New Tomorrow

She looks so calm and composed while others around her bustle like crazy, headless chickens, as if there’s nothing in the world that could possibly ruffle her feathers. A bubble of happiness, making everyone feel that there’s nothing happening in their world that cannot be solved, he thinks he knows everything there is to know about her from the very moment he set his eyes on her, but everything he thinks he knows is incorrect.

Chattering nineteen to the dozen, she raises her brows and stares into the distance, only for a moment, but the mask slips and he notices. Once again, like an old video cassette, flashes of his past start playing in front of him in reverse mode, and finally some things start making sense – as if suddenly the missing pieces of his jigsaw puzzle had unravelled themselves before him, and he actually knows now where those pieces fit.

In that moment, in her, he sees himself again, and only remembers the bygone days…What he was, who he wanted to be, and how passionate he had been about fulfilling his purpose. Unfortunately, life got in the way. He sat in silence, contemplating about all that had happened, moving within as diverse thoughts and ideas filled his head to the brim, probing through the good and bad memories of his life that was now coloured with each and every experience that he’d had.

He stares at her and realizes that she has gone back to wearing her mask. But he just cannot do that anymore. Nor will he let her do that anymore. And as he arrives at that decision, with her, his tomorrows begin. 

Pieces

She sits down on the floor and makes no move. She sits and does nothing. She knows she wants to think, but she just can’t. She has been paralyzed, but with what?  The blade goes back and forth, back and forth. Back and forth, it makes a sound, almost like some melody. It hurts. It pains and pains. It pains a lot. She smiles. She keeps feeling the pain, and the pain keeps intensifying. She laughs.

Her entire room is dark. She has been sitting down far too long. Today’s the day, she decides. She thinks that this is it. Today is the day. And then, it suddenly stops. No more sound, no more melody. There is red around her…Staining red…But she is still able to get up. Her wrist oozes the most stunning vibrant red, but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed. Turns out today wasn’t the day after all…

She gets up from the floor as the sunlight falls on her face almost mocking her existence. With a smile, she covers her face, and with a long-sleeved kurta, her scars and steps out to brave yet another day.

There’s something about her, something that’s strange, and something that’s unique. She does not appear broken, but he can hear the shrill cries inside her. She seems strong, she seems happy, but he can see the numbness in her eyes, and hear the pain in her voice. She’s probably made a deal with her demons, and yes, they have left her alone, but he realizes they took something with them in exchange – a part of her soul. Each time, she feels love, the crater in her soul longs to be filled.

Nobody ever sees her for what she is. No one misses a part of her. But, there are times, when she does miss some old part of herself. He notices her looking around for pieces. He wishes he could paste them back. Tiny pieces that may seem insignificant to the world, but they still belong to her, and she wants them because they are hers to take back, hers to place back. There are moments when she stands to search for them and place them back, and then the reality hits her, and it hits him too with harder force. He can see the pain behind those gorgeous eyes of hers. He wants to be there to fill in the blank spaces that she leaves behind every time she walks. He wants to be the shine of her eyes, the strength of her voice, and the reason for her happiness.

He wants her to feel loved, to feel happy from within, and become the symbol of hope and tranquillity that she is capable of becoming. He sees her for what she is – someone born to lead, not to lurk in the shadows. She is a being of purity and integrity.

He knows that she can cradle the existence of this small world of theirs one day, but today, he lets himself be consumed to bring light upon her so that she herself is able to shine one day. He knows that by doing so, he’ll be losing a part of himself, but for her, it will be totally worth it. 

Interstellar

He stared at his fellow-star tenant, and thanked her for the adventure. Space and time had fought, resulting in a break in the continuum.

The shooting star he had wished upon was already dead. He’d believed her to be infinite, but at that moment, she felt empty…As empty as the vacuum that had existed in her heart when they kept taking pieces of her and she let them. He wondered if there was any word for that.

She often accused him of acting like a storm that often came unannounced and left after uprooting her from her being. He did not dismiss that particular allegation – he was human, and storms are, anyway, named after people; nebulae are not. She was made of stardust – they’d crushed her and she’d let them. She was now going to become a star, because that is how stars are born: they crumble, collapse, burn and then finally glow. As a child, he’d stared at the twinkling stars in the sky and wished upon them, but ever since he met her, the twinkle in her eyes was all that he’d needed. Was there a word for that?

She’d wished for something that had destroyed her. Her love for him had moulded her, but, ultimately, what she’d been able to sacrifice had defined her. He couldn’t come up with a word for that.

He’d always loved metaphors even though he had a hard time coming up with original ones by himself. Yet, life had given him the biggest metaphor in her form. Together, they’d embarked on an interstellar adventure, and in the name of allies, all they had were time pirates! Unfortunately, time had always been relative…Two years, two months, two weeks, two souls who kept responding to the hurt that was taken from them. What words could he use to define that? Time was relative, yes; but the hurts were subjective. Love had managed to transform them, and though it was always transcendent, their love had never been quantifiable.

He knew she was probably laughing upon hearing of his cosmic dilemmas. To her, nothing was complicated. Love was nothing but a fleeting glimpse of eternity that would last forever; love had always been free falling, space racing, never running-away but more of a running-towards. Love was nothing other than the North Star which one could always gravitate back to.

She wanted to return home to the star they came from. He used to call them “star tenants” because he believed they’d shared the same origin star. They’d embarked on the same voyage light years ago, but their pathways had been different. However, different star trails from the same star could only stay apart for so long until parallel lines and intersecting lines lost their meaning. The heart did not know of time, space, distance or choice. Heart-strings unravelled in the same way as did the fabric of the universe – there was a break in the continuum, and in their case it was a paradox of love called love.

He used to believe that a black hole is a passage through space and time. She wished he’d understand that time always stood still, making darkness perhaps the perfect place to love somebody. He did not realize that black holes were hugely dense objects, with an inescapable gravitational pull. When he’d fall, he’d fall forever. Forever. It meant there was no way out. She wished he’d allow himself to succumb to the vulnerability, to the fall…Only if he fell, could she catch him. She wished he’d allow midnight to become the easel he’d aligned his stars on – to write of his future infinitely, just like the artist and writer he was. He needed to reel himself back in; he needed to realize that the pursuit of happiness is nothing but a secret locked for safekeeping with the diamonds in the sky.

Space and time had had a fight, resulting in a break in the continuum. There was a break in the opposite end of the spectrum. What he’d believed to be infinite had become unwritten…Unwritten like the rest of his life before him. He wondered if there was a word for that. He realized that, indeed, there was a word for that! It was nothing but love. As he stared above, there it was! Against the dark sky, he saw a ray, an age-old ballad – of science and faith, love and hope. He saw white light - a million colours that briefly splattered across the easel, an aurora lasting all of eternity. He knew it was her light and in his heart, he preserved it and cherished it while it lasted. Finally, he no longer saw a black hole as a dead end anymore.

The Arrival

She could not believe her eyes as she saw the sight that lay in front of her. Finally, someone had tried flashing a torch and attempted to alleviate the darkness that had become a constant feature of her world. Suddenly, she felt as if her light had returned, and slitting the throats of her dumb tunnels, finally, she found her voice back, tearing through the vast emptiness of her long-neglected vocal cords.

Her beloved had finally come her way, and she found herself overcome with desire yet again. The yearnings brimmed inside her like the splattered paints on an artist’s palette that remind one of the uncontrollable and inconsolable passion he has for the colours he imagines in his mind. But wasn’t it now a little too late? Her branch of time hardly had any leaves left, and despite being so close to love, there was still no way for her to experience it to the fullest.

He understood her dilemma. He had been wandering for days with memories of her still lingering, and he knew that despite being away, he was still loved. He realized how, blinded by the chase to success, he had failed to sufficiently reciprocate the love that came his way.  He knew that he was late, but he had returned at last. He wished now for her to come to him, as with each kiss of hers, he fell asleep, and as she tried to overcome the trysts of life and death, he wished to wake up as she shone her light of dawn.

Time was definitely not on their side. There wasn’t enough time to listen to his small broken tales of camaraderie, but his return had finally pacified her lifelong frustration. No matter how late it was, no matter in which condition they both were, they were both together, they were both finally “home”. This final meeting seemed like a fun, topsy-turvy merry-go-round ride that completely overshadowed the tiny, dancing fireflies who stirred up fun, happy memories. The purpose of her life had been to meet her beloved, and once again, as she looked into his eyes, she saw herself, and realized that she had found her God. 

One life-time is never enough to accomplish all unattained desires. They still had to make several journeys together. But for now she knew, as she closed her eyes to rest, there was no next time.... 

The Call

It had been a long time since their last meeting. Every time, she missed him, she stared at the sky. After all, no matter where they were, they were all under the same sky; and they both fell asleep wishing under the same stars under the same sky they shared. People always told her that time is a wonderful healer, but she had seen how time had destroyed them – perhaps, it was too late for them to be able to salvage their situation. Time could heal, time could rip a person into pieces. But, time could not change the story. Ever since he had left, she found herself constantly swimming between two waves – the flood of letting in, and the torrent of letting go. Sometimes, she felt so frustrated that she thought it was time to just leave and turn to dust. If the essence of her life was leaving him, she wondered if she could just walk down the old path one last time, gather everything that she wanted and re-paint the entire road red. She missed the lazy evenings they spent together and wished she could just go back to simpler times. She knew there was still a chance – albeit a teeny tiny one – but she was not sure she wanted to take it. It required a lot of effort, and she wasn’t sure she could invest so much again. Besides, only a miracle could really save them, and she did not believe in miracles.

As he waited for his train to arrive, he remembered the first time he had met her. The swarm of people rushing to enter the train while she was attempting to get out had scared her. As soon as she saw him at the platform, she just rushed into his arms, and the world around seemed to have come to a stand-still. The way she’d held on to him made him feel incredible and uniquely warm. He wondered if she had ever been horrified the way she’d been that day. It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea to endure the journey on Mumbai local-trains during peak-hours, and that had been her first time. In that moment, all she’d needed was a whisper and a hug. He hadn’t quite known what to do, but on that day, she’d made it clear that trust had no faces, only promises, and her vulnerability had involuntarily made him promise that he would protect her. She was the first person from whom he learnt that the world deserves to be loved; even by broken people, like her and him. As he thought of her, he realized that what they shared was beautiful, even though it had been dead for some years. Had it really been that long, or it just felt that way because time only seemed to fly when she was by his side chattering away to glory? He realized that the night did not always need to be dark and cloudy; light always shone to drive the darkness away. After all, they lived on a blue planet that circled around a raging ball of fire, next to a moon that moved the sea – who was to say that miracles don’t happen?

The time had come for change. It was time to recover the good parts of their life. Happiness was now just a phone call away, and this time he did not hesitate as he pulled out his mobile-phone and dialled her number. 

The Battle Of The Egos

He woke up early in the morning, before the sun got an opportunity to set his skin on fire, and went for a run. He enjoyed running. One day, he hoped to be able to race fast enough to finish life’s race. As soon as this thought crossed his mind, he stopped on his tracks abruptly. Why was he suddenly so interested in rushing through life instead of savouring every moment? He had never harboured any delusions of an easy life, but why was he choosing to run away from problems instead of attempting to solve them?
Deep down, he knew the answer. She had been his “problem-fixer”. All he had to do was tell her about what was bothering him, and she’d take care of everything. She had a knack for making all his troubles and worries magically disappear. But where was she now? He had no idea.
He wondered if he should send her a message. He was affirmative that she would reply. But then, he wondered, should he tell her about what was on his mind? Would she think he was only trying to reconnect because he needed her? He couldn’t just pick up the phone and tell that he missed her. Expressing feelings were her department, as was intuitively understanding what he was feeling even when he did not say a word. He had even stopped cyber-stalking her months ago. It was too painful seeing her constant updates with people who had once been ‘nobodies’. Even though she frequented places which were a stone’s throw away from his habitat, it bothered him that she never made any plans with him. She had always taken the initiative. Why should it be any different now?
He thought it best to keep his feelings to himself. Dismissing all thoughts about her, once again he began sprinting across the blocked paver.  

The never ending stretch of the sandy seashore seemed to confuse her way. The beach had become her new home, yet she was not able to decide how she felt about it. She’d been feeling this way for quite some time now. Since the last one year, she’d been tossing between choices, cities, and voices, and she could not remember the last time when she had felt like her old self.
Her old self always had a smile on the face, didn’t hesitate before greeting strangers with open arms, and always remained in a positive frame of mind. Where had this old self disappeared? Why did she feel so uprooted?
She’d always been a traveller. Shuffling places was not new for her. In fact, she quite enjoyed that part of her life. Perhaps, the problem was that he was not there with her…
Even though they had never frequented places together, having him in her life made her feel like home. He was her home – the home where she felt comfortable, where she felt safe and sheltered and where she could be her genuine self. When things went awry, as they often did, his voice was all she longed to hear. Just like home is a place that’ll always be there, not for once had she imagined a situation where he would not be around. Before him, she unknotted her burdens and he held them for her so that she could walk out of the door without the weight of her problems bringing her down to her knees. Home is where the heart is, and her heart always remained tied to him, no matter how far she wandered away. Every time someone mentioned home, her mind always led her to him.
She longed to be home again. So many months had passed. Did she dare to pick up the phone and give him a call? What would she say? What if he didn’t answer? What if the call made her realize that the picture of the home she had painted was a mirage, and in reality, her home had been long wrecked? What would she do then? It was best to wait for him to make a call this time. After all, nothing was over until it was explicitly stated so.

The call never happened. The text remained unsent.
Both clutched to hope with one hand and prepared themselves for disappointment with the other.
Ego had won this battle. Would the heart still manage to win the war?

Anywhere

She walked aimlessly on the deserted road, not really knowing where she wanted to go. It started to drizzle, and she looked around hoping to take cover before the rains got worse. 

He saw her standing by a dilapidated ruin of what appeared to have once been a tea-stall. She looked haggled and tired, but her spirit did not seem beaten. “Can I take you somewhere?” he offered. “I have a bike.”

She smiled at him and wondered what to say. She could’ve asked him to take her home, but then she remembered that a storm had ravaged it. She wondered if he’d help her rebuild it, but it was too late for them to salvage it. 

“No, thanks,” she replied. “I’m just on this road, walking on.” 

“Where?” he prodded. 

“Away from the ruins, and hopefully, away from the storm.” 

Thunder rumbled and lightning struck. Without another word, she got on his bike and they rode along. 

“We’ll sleep anywhere we find shelter,” she suggested. “This storm is too strong!” 

“And finding shelter in this country-side is so rare. Do you know where shelter can be found?” he asked.

She just tossed her head and replied, “Anywhere.” 

They stumbled upon an old, shady-looking hotel, and it had a room to spare. 

As she was about to crawl into bed, she warned him, “I often get nightmares when I sleep, but I dare not ask for your care. That would be too much kindness, of which I’m very scared. In case I wake up and cry, please forgive me. I only cry for my home and everything that I could once call my own.”

She did not seem to realize that he was too baffled to respond. So, she continued to speak and he listened in silence, puzzling how from this situation he could abscond.     

She was murmuring to herself, “I told them to make the house stronger! I screamed for help! They paid no heed, and dismissed the need – it’s only a breeze, they said. Don’t worry unnecessarily. What is the need?

But it was a storm alright. The very worst of its kind. I kept trying to save them. I told them to stay strong! But they huffed and puffed on the side of the storm, and there was not much I could do alone. Now everything’s gone! Everyone blames the storm! We could have saved everything, but they still blame the storm!”

He looked at her deep-set eyes. “Is that why you are on the road, simply walking on?” 

“Well, walking isn’t all I do,” she laughed and pointed out, “I sometimes speak to strangers just as now I am speaking to you! But, generally I talk about the weather, because that’s what strangers do.”

He laughed at her statement and assured her, “Now and then, it’s alright to digress. Conversation, path, or both, briefly. I am in no rush, and neither are you. There’s nowhere you have to be, and there is nobody awaiting me.”

“I could go wherever I wanted to, except, of course, back in time,” she sighed. “But I am really tired now, tired of walking, of being, and tired of trying to rhyme.”

“Then let’s just lie here, do nothing, think nothing,” he suggested. “How does that sound?”

He took her silence to mean a ‘yes’ and continued talking along, “I want to look up to find a clear sky each day, and realize the universe is awesome.”

She smiled in surprise and shared, “I want to believe that karma is a sure thing. I want to believe that there is something out there that ensures that things go right. That there is a plan. I’m not on it yet, but I believe there is a plan. I might have lost my home, but I still have two legs. I can go anywhere, and I’ll go where there’s happiness.”

“And where is happiness?” he asked with a grin. 

She returned his grin with a twinkle and simply replied, “Anywhere.”

Every Night

He was more than a thousand miles away, but he still stayed with her. He often said careless words, and sometimes, nothing at all. She still did not love him any less. Sometimes, she thought she could escape him by slipping into a different world, but he stayed with her even when she was asleep; and whenever she felt happy in a dream, she knew it was because the ripples of a forgotten river were laughing in his voice.

Why was it that there was nothing in her that wasn’t his? Why did he possess her to this extent? Of course, she knew the answers, but just knowing did not make the path to acceptance any easier…

She had always been her harshest critic. She was filled with flaws. Yet, he had managed to find some source of awe in her and made her see that she was beautiful. She found herself staring at herself through the small mirror called love each day. And each time, she only saw him there.

She had always prided herself over being practical. Her eyes that had never dared to dream before his arrival, no longer dreamt at all after he left. Her dreamless eyes were still his. 

She knew the vague words that she wrote with her hand were only desperate attempts to reach him somehow. He’d held her hand, and led her into thinking it was forever…

Her feet, when they had walked with him, were often lost. But in her heart, she knew that as long as they were walking together, no matter where they went, it was the right way. She knew that if he called, her feet would run to him even today, despite being weighed down with grief – grief over his inactions that let her leave.

Her lips quivered every time she thought of him. Once upon a time, they used to smile most honestly. The quivering lips were still his.

Claiming her heart should have been the hardest part, but he easily convinced it that he was true. Her heart had never believed in too much too soon, but it had really believed in him. But his determined destruction had been too swift. Now her heart was broken, but every fragment of it was still his. 

Now that he had left, she realized he had more than her heart, her feet, her lips and her eyes – he actually owned her whole. In the depths of her soul, there was now a void. And from somewhere there, even though it ached, she still loved him. He was a little raw piece of her. A piece that had gone missing. 

One day, she hoped she would be able to find her freedom. Somehow, she was convinced that she would be able to have it. It would be in everything; in everything that she wanted to renounce. She wondered what she would do then. She’d find herself in that everything. Then, what would she do with herself everywhere?

As her mind agonized over these aimless rambles, once again, the night called to be awake. It wanted to stay longer with her, within. It was there that she’d meet him. Yet again.  

The Time-Turner

It was while cleaning her cupboard, one evening, that she found the old silver-band watch which she thought she had misplaced a couple of months ago. The glass was dusty, and the hands were not ticking. She laughed out loud at her discovery. She had not worn a watch in the last seven months. Somehow, it had not felt necessary.

What’s the point of finding the watch, she mused. It was more important for her to find time. These days she just did not have the time. She was busy at work, moving from one task to another at express speed. When she was home, she whiled away time by completing all the household chores, even things that could be put off for a later day. Her mother and close friends sometimes expressed concern and asked her to slow down, but she hadn’t paid much heed to their advice.

As she stared at the watch that she was dusting with a piece of cloth, she noticed yet another thing that was wrong with it. The date display still showed 10^th January, 2016 – that was almost seven months ago. What had she been doing seven months ago at this time? She remembered it so clearly, as if it had just happened the previous day…

Life had taken such a drastic turn in these seven months. Seven months ago, she’d have never anticipated her entire life revolving around work. She had always believed that work was something one had to do to ensure life could be lived with ease and comfort; now, work had become her life! If her existence could be equated with “living” that is. Was she happy? She cringed as she realized she could not answer this question honestly even to herself.

She knew it was time for change. She wasn’t one to live in denial for a long time. Her new journey had already begun, even though she was yet to take off. It wasn’t going to be easy for she was still muddling with the shadows of her past. However, the shadows did not cause her much distress. After all, there can be no shadow without light. They go wherever the light goes. They appear when the light appears. Somehow, this realization gave her a strange sort of comfort – it made her understand that she hadn’t completely plunged into the world of darkness. There was still a tiny ray of light – some hope – left for her.

She fastened the old watch to her wrist. The watch was old, the time was the same, but this journey would be a new one. With this time-turner, she had been gifted the opportunity of re-visiting the last few months of her life. Until she finished editing and re-writing the pages of her current life, time would have to remain at a stand-still. 

The Travellers

She was tired. No matter how hard she tried, he was everywhere. From the corner of signs, she could see him. Even though they kept telling her what to do next, she kept seeing him and nothing else. In the end, they just gave up. She wished they hadn’t. It was not like she was purposely ignoring their precious advice. They just did not get it.

He was her road. No matter where she was, and no matter where she wished to reach, he was the journey she would have to make in order to reach her destination. They kept telling her that many times the journey is the destination. So, did that make him her destination?

Sometimes, she tried changing her direction on the same path. She’d long realized that the path is not always a straight road, and, at times, it is easier to keep walking on the same path, exploring the different directions. But why was it that in each direction she only met him? Did he already know she was arriving? At some level, did he also believe that she was his path?

Once or twice, she stopped to wonder. Did he read her world in the same way as she read his? As he became a page-turner in her world, had she also become a bookmark in his? He still dwelled in her world, but was she also beginning to enter into the spaces between his stars? He read through the stories of light, and she read through those cracks, through which that light entered and shone.

Were they both travellers meant to keep stopping by in each other’s life? If that was indeed the case, did she have the courage or the will to wish herself and him a “Happy Journey” and meet one more time?

“On the map, it appears that I am going home. But the truth is that I’m only getting more and more lost,” he sighed.

“On the map, it seems that I’m already home. But the truth is that I’m lost with him on his road,” she realized.

Hogwarts in Kolkata!

This blogpost is an entry to the Blogging contest, a part of the book launch of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, in association with Kolkata Bloggers.

Mishti dozed off half-way through reading Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, an early present that she’d received just before her eleventh birthday. “This is so magical!” she sighed as her eyes drew to a close. “I wish I studied at Hogwarts.”

The next morning, she had to go for her dreaded Math tuition-classes. It was early and the usually crowded area of Chowringhee was yet to start bustling with activity. Realizing that she had a good twenty minutes to kill and with no desire to go early for class, Mishti entered a dilapidated antique-store whose door was open. No one was around. Mishti marvelled at some wonderfully-carved wooden tables. Suddenly she saw an ancient, ornate mirror lying in a corner. It had clawed feet, and a golden frame that was inscribed with the phrase,"Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi."

“What do you see in the mirror?” boomed a voice behind her.
Mishti jumped and saw a tall, thin, old man standing. He wore a purple Panjabi with dhuti.

When Mishti looked in the mirror, it was not her reflection she saw. “I see…” she hesitated.
“Go on,” encouraged the man.
“I see that I’ve received a letter stating that I’ve been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.”

The man’s face broke into a smile. “This mirror shows not the reality but your heart’s deepest desire. However, I have the power to make your wish come true!”
“How?” asked Mishti in wonder.
“My name is Abhi Dasgupta,” said the old man. “I studied at Hogwarts and was Headmaster there. These days, we seem to have a lot of promising witches and wizards from Kolkata, so we’re setting up a school of magic here. You are going to be one of its first pupils!” he informed her.

Mishti could not believe her ears. “You mean Harry Potter exists?” she exclaimed.
“Yes, my child,” Mr. Dasgupta chuckled. “He will be your Defence against the Dark Arts teacher.”

Mr. Dasgupta handed her a letter, and before Mishti could say another word, he was gone in the blink of an eye. Mishti forgot all about Math class and ran home to her parents. Her parents were Potter-fans too and could not believe what Mishti said to them. They read the letter and rushed to purchase the items Mishti’d need for school: books from Oxford Book-Store in Park Street; some fresh parchments from a shop in College Street, robes from Rahman’s Store in New Market; and who’d have known that the handicraft emporium at Dakshinapan even stocked wands and broom-sticks!

“I hope all this is real!” voiced Mishti. “I hope it’s not happening inside my head.”

“My dear child,” said her mother. “Even if it’s happening inside your head, why should it mean that it’s not real?”

Mishti went to bed that night feeling extremely excited. The next morning she woke up and saw the letter lying on her bed-side table. “It wasn’t a dream! I'm the Chosen One!” she jumped with joy.

Finally, the day came when Mishti, escorted by her parents, arrived at Sealdah Station and headed for the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. She was ready to board the train from Sealdah Platform 9¾ which would take her to the Hogwarts School in Kolkata. It was just the beginning of her journey, but she was sure it was going to be the most memorable experience of her life. 

Heart-Break

The first time she read the note, she had no idea it was not just any note, but the one that would change her life. In the time that she finished reading it, her life would begin its process of being rewritten:

Dear Beloved,

Not a moment goes by without me hunting for a life worth living or seeking knowledge that is worth knowing. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I therefore have everywhere to go! Your love has transformed me in ways that I previously could not fathom. It gives me strength to seek newer lands, collect more pieces of me, and build myself anew.
I will always remember you even in my new kingdom! I'm sorry I cannot take you with me.

Yours Truly.

He had always been a nomad at heart. She knew she would not be able to keep him forever. But this rather unceremonious parting was too much to bear. He had always talked about exploring strange lands, discovering new ideas, but what had caused him to take off suddenly? She tried rewinding to their last meetings to see if she had said or done something to tick him off but she found no clue. Alas, it was a futile exercise. Revisiting past events never led anyone to discover the truth. It only resulted in interpretations. Would he ever return? She wondered about the possibility. It was of no use either. The future was just an illusion.

He was gone and she was alone. Suddenly, the silence gripped her. She despised silence. Whenever a thick smog of silence descended, the yapping voices inside her head became all the more audible, rising to the surface, one by one. She liked to believe that she knew all the voices that resided in that inner harm, yet she was scared of chancing upon those she had never met. Together, the voices just made noise instead of music, each talking at the same time as the other, in tones louder than the others, without listening to a word of what was being said. The voices frightened her. They made her scared of her own diversity. She hated coming in contact with the disintegration inside of her. It was rather unsettling.

She knew that she had always been a clinger. Even now, she wanted to cling, to bits and pieces of his existence here and there, with no firm grounding, no center and no coherence in her life. To put it simply: she was a mess.

She stared at the note yet again:

So, he was setting off to conquer kingdoms? What was he trying to prove to her? Was he trying to convince her of his valour or spirit? Why had he run away, evading all questions she would have asked if he had said a proper good-bye?

But then, she wondered, if she would have ever asked the questions that were now racing inside her head. In all this while they had been together, not once had she unashamedly bared her soul before him. He did not know much about her fears and scars. She had never rendered herself vulnerable in front of him. He had never been presented with an opportunity to realize that her greatest strength could be found in her flaws.

He too had his insecurities. He was too afraid to seize what he loved, and therefore was blindly chasing unknown territories. It was alright if love passed him by. After all, he would still have his new kingdom.

She found a way too to alleviate her pain. It was a simple solution, really. After all, whenever one wishes to destroy something, all one needs to do is surround it with walls. So, a massive wall she built around herself replacing all her now-obsolete beliefs with the new. No more did love call out to her, excitedly telling her to let go. Now, she listened to the voice of reason and approached everything with care and doubt. "Be careful, protect yourself" was her prime concern. This new approach never let her fall. Her old belief had only caused hurt and had her life falling into ruins.

The stranger heard her story and could not help but smile. After all, it's only in ruins that one finds treasures. Her broken heart hid many treasures; and it was now up to him to uncover them all...

The Understanding

It was a crowded day at the mall. Two friends mercifully managed to get off work early in order to catch up.
"I couldn't wait to see you!" she exclaimed. "He finally proposed!"
"Oh, that's wonderful!" came the squeaky high-pitched response.
Both friends embraced each other - one to share her happiness, and the other to mask her state of confusion...

They chattered endlessly while eating dinner. In between bites, the friend spread out a piece of paper and scribbled earnestly. Lots of plans needed to be made. Apparently, an entire childhood had not been enough to fantasize about the dream wedding. The friend continued jotting down finer details of the wedding-dress and the guest-list. She drew out a neat timeline of the tentative flow of events. It gave her some sort of stability and comfort knowing that there was something solid and familiar amidst all the haphazard chaos.

Indeed, the amount of chaos in her mind was tremendous! She was still trying to process all the information. Everything was happening too soon and she could feel the wall that she had built around herself crumbling. From a distance, one could see two friends excitedly talking about the future. Only she knew the true reason behind her incessant babble. She knew if her mouth failed to do its job, her eyes would give away what she was so desperately trying to conceal.

She had always been the spare wheel. Time after time, she had seen her friends jump from one relationship to another until they had finally settled upon 'the one'. She had been with them in all their adversities, nursing them through rejections and break-ups, assuring them that things would be all right. And in the end, things had always fallen into place. Well, for them. Once they had settled in their newly-found haven, they conveniently left her behind.

She had never felt completely isolated for she was approachable and it was easy making new friends. Yet, she missed those who had let her go. Building relationships took time and it wasn't fair to have to build a new one all the time from scratch. Was she so easy to forget, she often wondered to herself. Why was she always just a filler? Surely, her existence had more meaning.

As she reflected on her past friendships, she realized no one had been by her side when her heart got broken. No one cleared their schedule to make time for her even during emergencies while she had always been just a phone call away. Perhaps, she was the problem. Not they. Perhaps, no one would give her a lot of importance until she started prioritizing herself.

Suddenly, she saw her friend staring at her.
"Penny for your thoughts?" remarked the friend. "Where have you drifted?"
"Nothing," she simply shrugged. "I was just thinking of work," she said. "Something funny had happened..."
"Oh, I will hear about that later!" dismissed her friend.
She knew this was the moment. It was up to her to seize it. "No," she snapped. "I would like to talk about it now because 'later' never comes. I am very happy for you. I genuinely am! But have you realized that in this entire while, not once have you asked me how I'm doing? Would you not like to know what is going on at my end?"
Her friend was surprised. Nevertheless, she decided to humour her. "Sure, tell me. Did someone ask you out?"  

The dismissive tone hurt. She realized that she could not expect to be treated the way she desired from her friend. It was her fault, she acknowledged, but there was no point in beating herself over it. It was time to rectify the mistake she had been committing for so many years. She had to respect herself in order to get that respect from others.

"I just remembered that I need to be somewhere," she said. "Sorry, but I really need to go."

She picked up her bag, dished her share of the bill on the table and walked out without looking back even once. She knew she was leaving behind a rather perplexed friend, but her heart skipped with glee at the realization that she was also leaving behind her old inhibited self. The tables were turned and from that moment onward, everything would revolve not around the others but around her and her needs. She had embarked on a new journey and once again, life would become beautiful!

Moving Forward

They met yet again only to talk about work and other vacuities. Suddenly, he glanced at the clock and, with a nod and a smile, indicated that it was time for him to leave. She watched him walk away and wished he would stay a while longer, for the conversation was still not over. She could listen to him talking about things forever.

She loved him. She really did. She was drawn to him the way one's in love with their favourite bar of chocolate - it seems to be the best and one wants to eat it all the time but it's not really a healthy choice.

The love that she had for him consumed her, left her parched and begging for more even after it had dried out and left her for dead. Consumed by his love, she felt as if she was living a fairy-tale for she was obsessed with a love that was not real. She was in love with a love that did not exist.
She loved him more than she loved herself. She idealized him and put him on a pedestal. And, each time, he let her down, she ignored the shattering of her heart. "He's only human," she tried reasoning with herself. "Everyone makes mistakes." She believed he was not doing it on purpose. Love blinded her and she failed to see him for what he was - a self-destructive being that eviscerated every good thing that came his way. She found herself hopelessly devoted to him. She was there for him at every beck and call. Her life revolved around his happiness. Making him happy was no easy task. Sometimes, she messed up and had to face his wrath. But the storm always cleared after a while; and when the sea calmed, she relished in those brief moments of tranquility. For sporadic and fleeting periods of time, the waves stopped relentlessly crashing down her soul, and she found herself starting to trust him again completely.

But in her heart of hearts she knew what was amiss. Secretly, she knew she had become addicted to the pain.  She knew she had loved him more than she had loved herself but true love did not hurt. True love is not an addictive drug.

Finally, she knew it had to end. She had thought him to be her knight in shining armour. But, in reality, she was the one who had been saving him. With this realization, she knew she had to let him go. She had to let him go even though she knew that she could have him all to herself. She loved him and thought the world of him. Still, she had to let him go. She had to let him go because she could not see beyond her inadequacy of being with him.

As she saw him walk out of the door, she felt her heart crumble. She followed him outside and surprised him with a sudden hug. She held him close and felt at home. She felt love - that mysterious thing everyone seems to be indulging in the eternal search for ! She could not let him go. She did not want to! She could not see beyond her inadequacy of calling him - her own, having him all to herself.

But she let him go. She let him go - knowing he was finally home. She found happiness in the belief that he was where he belonged. She had lost her way and needed to find a place she could call home. Home was not where he was. Love did not reside where he did. She needed someone who loved her no matter what. She needed someone who made her feel free. Love always transpired between equals. She needed to find a man who deserved her as much as she deserved him. She needed a man who loved himself in the same manner as she had started loving herself.
In leaving him, she found herself. He was all she had. But she let him go knowing 'she' was all he had.

The Meeting

Note: This entry is a sequel to a former entry "With...Without...". Do re-visit the post if you wish.

Morning arrived the way it always did. She pressed the 'snooze' button and hoped to catch an extra ten minutes of sleep. It had been more than two days since she had gone to work. She could not be absent yet another day. What would she say? She wasn't allowed to call in to work depressed. Mustering all her strength, she dragged her feet out of bed and into the bathroom.

As she stared at her reflection in the mirror while brushing her teeth, she noticed how she seemed to have aged. She noticed her wrinkles and dark spots and wondered if she should try getting her hands on the popular anti-ageing cream she remembering seeing in an advertisement. Chuckling at that thought, she said out loud, "You are too old to be influenced by advertisements! Get a grip of yourself!" The reflection glared back at her. In each other's reflections, they just became uglier.

Work was mundane, as usual. She managed to wrap her work on time, and headed for the bridge overlooking the river...the spot where they had last met. She hadn't visited that place in a while. It looked deserted and forlorn. No one seemed to have come there in quite some time. Weeds were overgrown and the benches were covered with dry leaves of the autumn. She dusted a spot and made herself as comfortable as was possible.

Life had not been easy since he had gone, she reflected. She knew she had built a huge wall around herself which no one was able to break and enter. She had ignored every phone call she possibly could from her social circle of friends, because even though they had been calling the right number, she was no more the person they were looking for. Without him, she was not her old self anymore.

He crossed familiar hills and jaded pathways on his way back. No road was new to him - he had travelled through them all. Yet he seemed to be lost. Was it possible to be lost on the same path one was walking? Was retracing steps a good idea? It had to be! Even if he was lost, he was still walking down his own path - and surely only that could lead him to his destiny. Perhaps, being lost could be holy as well. It gave him time not only to find a completely new life in the cracks, but also to rediscover the old life and see it from a completely new perspective.

He had begun his walk a long time ago and he had no idea when he became utterly lost. He just hoped, as he walked down the recognizable path, his beloved would find him.

Both could not believe the sight that greeted their eye. She saw his silhouette at a distance, and gasped as the figure approached nearer and nearer in view. He had grown a beard and he looked scraggly, but his eyes still had that merry twinkle that always made her go weak at the knee. He stared at her and couldn't believe his eyes! She still looked beautiful. Just the way he remembered her.

"I can't believe you are really here!" she screamed.
"Neither can I," he winked.
"So, is it love, or is it a habit?" she mused.
"I think it's a good habit! One that I'd like to keep," he answered cheekily.

She still found it hard to believe he was back. Was his quest over? "So, you found God finally?" she managed to ask.
"Ah, no! God found me," he said and stared at her intently.
"...And I trust Him more not to leave," she finished his thought, and put an end to all possible dialogue by sealing his lips with a much-awaited kiss and enveloping herself in his arms for a much-needed embrace.

Sweet Vengeance

"What are you doing here?" she stared in astonishment at the man standing in front of her, outside the entrance of the airport.
"You really thought I would let you go without saying a good-bye?" he exclaimed with an expression of fake horror.
"You do know I am not going forever, right?" she asked him with a raised eyebrow. "I will be back."
"I know," he replied nonchalantly. "That doesn't mean I can't come to the airport and see you off."
"Fine," she sighed. "Let's not argue. Say your good-byes, give me a hug and let me go. I don't want to be late - I want a window seat!"
He chuckled. "I wish you would pre-book your seats."
"No more lectures," she groaned and put her arms around him.
"Take care," he said. "I hate it when you go away - even though I  know it's only for a few weeks."
"Really?" she said with a look of disbelief though she could not stop a smile from escaping her lips.
"Of course," he said. "Every time you leave, I feel you take with you a piece of my heart. Thankfully, you come back and the piece gets restored again to its rightful owner."
"Ha! Ha! Very funny," she laughed. "Since when did you start sounding so cheesy?"
He suddenly pulled her closer to him, "You  know I love you, right?"
Startled at his sudden declaration, she just brushed him aside, "Sure, if you say so." She wasn't sure if she really believed him.
As if he had read her mind, he continued, "I know there are times when you think I do not care. The truth is..." he paused. She stared at him as he nervously looked down at the ground whilst shuffling his feet. He continued, "The truth is that I care a lot about you. I may not express it and I know that hurts you but I do love you." He looked at her. There seemed to be no visible reaction on her face. "What's wrong? Don't tell me that you had no clue about the way I felt about you!"
A sad smile appeared on her face. "There was a time when I thought I would die of ecstasy if you ever came and told me that you love me."
"But now, you feel differently?" he asked with a somewhat hurt look on his face.
"I love you," she said. "I always have; and I don't think I know how to re-program my system to stop loving you. Believe me for I have tried! But I cannot be with you."
"What do you mean?" he asked. "We both love each other. What's the problem?"
"Love," she replied.
"I don't understand," he said perplexed.
"You don't have to," she reassured him. "I need to go now. I cannot afford to miss this plane!"

She walked straight inside the airport successfully fighting all temptation to turn back and look at him one last time. He was still standing there, looking at her until he could see her no more. Nothing had gone according to plan. He found her behaviour confusing. Why had she said she could not be with him if she loved him? He could feel the anger welling up inside him as he realized how he could never get a grip on what was happening inside her head.

She knew she had walked off without explaining herself. She knew he was bound to be very puzzled by her behaviour. She felt a sense of guilt surging up her chest but she buried it inside as immediately as it had surfaced. She would not justify herself to him or anyone. She had spent many a night waiting to accept the love that she thought she deserved. Each moment of disappointment killed a part of her until she was in so much pain that she started hating the person who had made her experience the hurt in the first place. That started a new cycle of hate where she started despising herself for being incapable of 'unconditional love'.
His confession had surprised her but she, herself, was stunned at her indifference to his  words. Although she hated to admit it, she actually felt a part of her smiling wickedly for turning him down. He would now get a taste of his own medicine and learn what it felt like to have your love ignored or rejected. Vengeance was, indeed, sweet. She smiled to herself as she sat on the window-seat of the flight.

Unknowingly, his profession of love had helped her reconnect with the most important person in her life - her. Her feeling of self-loathe seemed to have evaporated and re-instilled in her a new sense of adoration for herself. She knew she still cared about him and she'd be there for him when he needed her but she no more worshipped him the way she used to before. She had gone back to her old affair of loving herself more than anyone.

Regret

Her head was spinning with endless questions. She wished she could stop the destructive thoughts flooding her head but she wasn't powerful enough. Never in her life had she felt more alone than she did at that particular moment.
She wished she had someone to tell her that they cared. She wanted someone around because she needed a friend; someone who would have the sense to tell her that she was not alone...Someone who would tell her that they knew how it felt to be lonely in a crowd. There was more to life than living, there was beauty and real joy and she wished there were people around to protect her from the hurt that she experienced...
The pain was too much to bear. As she dug the blade of the knife on to her skin, she kept wishing till that very moment when she breathed her last that someone would call her, just say "hello", laugh with her and share those things with her that she had been forced to face alone all this while. She wished she had been brave enough to talk about the way things were - and she ardently wished someone would have told her to take things easy, how close they had come themselves and how lovingly they had been sheltered...
Things could have been alright. But it was too late now. Unable to seek help and unable to endure her suffering, she murdered herself with the hope that it would take her to a better place.

He was home when he received the phone call informing him that she had ended things...The news shocked him beyond belief. She had not left any note - this bit of information did not surprise him. She had a habit of leaving things unsaid. He couldn't really blame her. This was something she had picked up from him - but at that moment, he couldn't help repenting the fact that she was not in front of him for him to say the things he wanted to say to her.
He wished he could have talked to her about the seriousness of her problems. He knew she rarely opened up to people but perhaps if he had persisted, she would have told him what she was going through. He wished she would have let him have a bigger role in the story of her life. He wished he could tell her that he knew what it was like to wake up in the morning and feel that life is completely meaningless. Even if she wasn't in a mood to listen, he wished they could have sat together in silence until that insight dawned on both of them that life wasn't so bad after all...
He wished he could tell her all the things he had kept away from her...She would scold him for keeping secrets but maybe then they could get to talk about things she had kept away from him, like the fact that she was dying on the inside the whole time.
He wished he could tell her all the wonderful things he loved about her. With no care of the world, he loved the way she always spoke her mind and did what she wanted to do. Always caring more about others than herself, he knew she had not shared her problems with anyone because she would not have wanted to burden them with her troubles. Now the only burden people carried was the knowledge that she had suffered so much, until she could take it no more.
He wished he could tell her that he loved her and that he would always love  her. He knew that without her, his life would never be the same. But it was too late now to do anything...All he could do was live with the regret that he could not save her...

Suicide is a dark word. It stole her from him. They could have grown close, helped each other...But just because he did not realize that he could make a difference, he actually didn't.