You

Waking up early has never been my cup of tea yet I look forward to mornings because they remind me that darkness never remains forever; ultimately, new opportunities will present themselves for us to rectify our mistakes, learn from our experiences, and move forward in life. You make me feel like I have endless mornings. Even if I have messed up real bad the previous day, with you in my life, I feel I still have a chance to set things right when I wake up the next morning.

None of us are perfect and we are all eternally struggling to ensure our virtues outweigh our flaws; but with you in my world, I feel as if I am already a very good person; all I need to do is strive to get better.

We all have our moments of doubt. At some point or the other, we've all felt that our lives are getting destroyed beyond recognition and there is nothing we can do about it. With you in my life, things seem more tolerable than they actually might be. I feel that even if my life crumpled to bits, I can stay strong knowing that I have it in me to fix what's broken. Your belief in me makes me feel invincible even in my weak moments.

Sometimes I wish I could find that special someone for you who would be your perfect match and complete you. I often find myself pondering that there must be someone out there who deserves you more than I do and who can give you all that I cannot. The pure love you exude often makes me question things around me. All my life, I have been conditioned to believe that good things do not fall out of thin air and if you want something, be it affection, care, money, or any material good, you need to work for it. Every day I wonder what is the reason behind the presence of your love in my life? What have I done to deserve it?

You make me so happy that it's almost frightening! Your love makes me want to be a more radiant version of me. It inspires me to look and think and act as best as I can. You make me feel secure enough to try new things without worrying about failure. I know you will love me anyway. With you in my life, I am not scared of spreading my wings and attempting a flight. Even if I fall, I know you will be there to catch me. I want to make you proud. I want to be worth all the trust and faith you have placed in me.

Gradually, with the passage of time, you have taught me how to accept things without thinking that I will have to pay for them. You have taught me that sometimes love can just arrive without any warning and even if you demand explanations, all questions you ask are irrelevant and, possibly, even unanswerable. Maybe love is just something that simply has to be received, embraced and accepted. There is really nothing else that a person can do about love once it has arrived at their door-step. Love is a privilege and what more can we do besides being grateful for its presence in our universe? 

I do not believe in a happily ever after. In future, our paths may drift or we could simply outgrow each other. There is also a chance that our love could just survive the test of time. I may not know whether our story has a fairy-tale ending or not but, just for today, I feel humbled to have known reality as wonderful as this and I shall eternally be thankful to you for this gratifying experience. 

Unspoken Words

He gazed at her in wonder as she scrunched her eyes, bursting into a fit of giggles. He was in awe of her ability to find humour in the toughest of situations. She caught him staring and suppressed her laughter.
"What are you thinking?" she demanded to know.
"Nothing," he said dismissively.
"Come on," she prodded. "There is something going on inside your head. I can see it on your face. Tell me what is it. Spill the beans!"
She could see a faint smile on his face that vanished almost as suddenly as it had appeared.
"It's impossible to hide anything from you!" he complained. "Let it go. It wasn't important."

She sighed. He never told her anything. In his defense, he felt the same way about her. She was unusually quiet these days. However, there was a big difference even in their respective silences. He never said anything despite her incessant questioning. He did not like having talks on trivial matters. She never spoke because he never really asked her anything. He believed if something was important, she would tell him on her own. Asking questions was too much of a hassle; especially because she had a knack for navigating her way around questions she did not want to answer.

He looked at her as she silently sipped her cup of coffee. She still looked as lovely as she did seven years ago. But the signs of transformation were clearly visible even to him, who, according to her, never paid attention to anything. He could see that her bright, sparkling eyes had lost their luster; her previously beaming face now looked crestfallen and her dazzling smile that at one point of time had lighted up many hearts now appeared broken and never reached her eyes.

He wondered if they had made the right decision. The picture no more looked perfect. Life was jumbled and both of them seemed to just be pecking on to live. Letting go of her was not easy for him. From the moment he had laid his eyes on her, he had found his world changing - it was as if the the earth inside him shifted as per the beats of her heart which had become its new gravity. Only good things had come his way since she had stepped into his life. He wished he could say the same for her. He did not know what she had gained by giving  up the comforts of her familiar world only to be with him. He knew he wanted her for his own selfish interests. He was not sure if he loved her - true love was supposed to be selfless, wasn't it?

She stared at him as he was lost in his world of thought. Judging by his expression, she knew he was once again occupying the room of doubt. She wished he could give up his obsession with perfection. They had been together since the last seven years. She had never cared for a person as much as she did for him. Just the thought of him was enough to generate a smile on her face. Yet she did not know if she loved him. She had read about love in novels and seen it in movies but she did not know if it existed in the real world. She was not sure if she would be living with him had she known what love truly was. Love, according to her, belonged to some unknown territory, of which she was no inhabitant. Love was free to go on its own journey - it could choose to settle down or roam around like a nomad. She had no intention of following the trail made by love. That was not why she had left her world behind.  She had done so not for love but for him - she belonged in his space and would only walk beside him on whatever path he chose for himself.

It did not seem to matter that these conversations always took place inside their heads. To each other, they said not a word yet everything that was there in their hearts was seemingly understood. He instinctively reached for her hand and clasped it tightly into his. She smiled and rested her head on his shoulders. Life was filled with challenges and presented new opportunities, each day, for them to question themselves and their choices. Right now, they had won this battle. But it was not the end for they still had miles to go before they reached the destination that was still unknown to them...

The Glass Slipper

It wasn't time to leave yet he chose that moment to say 'Good Bye'. With a heavy heart, she watched him getting up from his seat and walking away. Her mouth opened and she raised her hand in  a motion to call out to him but no sound came. Her extremely feeble attempt to stop him had also failed.  He walked away and she bravely battled her tears in case he glanced back in her direction but he did not look back even once.

It wasn't time to leave as there were so many unanswered questions. She still had so many things to say to him. Oh God! Why was she always tongue-tied in his presence? Why were their conversations always incomplete?

There was still time before she needed to return yet she found herself on a bus homeward bound. It would be a long ride home. After all, she had come all the way to the other side of town just to catch up with him over a cup of coffee. And conversations they had had on topics ranging from books, movies, philosophy to current affairs. Not once did he express any interest in knowing the happenings of her life and though she had attempted to bring up certain issues, his nonchalance forced them to stay inwards. She wanted to just pick up her phone, dial his number and scream at him. She took a few deep breaths as a last piece of struggle to remain calm. She decided to not think about it and tried diverting her attention to other things. Unfortunately, the sight on the road jam-packed with cars was not a pleasant view to admire. She looked inside the bus and suddenly, a sight of the mother and daughter sitting in the seat in front grabbed her attention.

The mother was narrating the story of Cinderella. She watched as the mother animatedly related the part where the Prince swore to only marry the girl to whom the slipper belonged and his quest finally led him to the home of Cinderella where, much to the dismay of her stepmother and stepsisters, the glass slipper fitted Cinderella perfectly and she ended up marrying her Prince Charming. The daughter had a broad smile on her face and clapped her hands in delight at the happy ending.

She still believed that a happily ever after was possible for her. It was not something that existed only once upon a time. Life definitely had a lot of beautiful things to offer. Why else would she be still living?

It was not time for her to leave this earth yet which is why she chose to stay. She could have allowed herself to be broken down and blamed him for her miseries. But that would have been the easy way out. She had grown up hearing fairy-tales. This was her chance to live her teachings from them. Just like Cinderella and her glass slipper, if something was meant for her, it would be a perfect fit. There would be no forcing, no struggling and no pain. And with this lesson, she stayed on earth joyously, living each day to the fullest, being grateful for all the blessings that were showered her way.

She was, after all, just a part of the cosmos, scattering her stardust all over the world. And she had been gathering it back ever since she had opened her eyes in this world. She hoped to find all her missing parts as life went by. The real challenge had been knowing if she could fit them right back into the jigsaw of her life and figuring out which parts were not the lost pieces of her being.

Breaking Free (Flash Fiction)

She had always been a hoarder. Her house was perpetually in a state of mess. Clothes that hadn't been worn for several years spilled themselves out every time someone braved an attempt to open the wardrobe doors.  Her purses were cluttered with used rail-passes, movie-tickets and her wallets still contained credit cards well past their expiry dates. She never discarded anything. Things that were of no value to people were memory imprints for her. She did not consider it junk. It was, for her, a treasure-chest of memories. She stared at the house. Everything was still in its place. Despite the disorder, she still knew where each object was. She never had trouble finding anything.

She sniffed the empty perfume-bottle on her dresser. It still had traces of the fragrance it had stored. She opened one of the drawers and found a broken pendant. It was possible to get the lock fixed but she knew she would never wear it again. It wasn't in her nature to wear an ornament symbolizing broken relationships. Neither could she bring herself to throw the locket away or gift it to somebody else. Suddenly her phone rang and distracted her thoughts. She glanced at the name on the screen. Her cheeks flushed red with anger and her eyes blinked rapidly to stop the tears from streaming. She took a deep breath and, mustering all her strength, answered the call. The conversation lasted more than fifteen minutes. Not once during the conversation did she give the caller any hint of her state of mind. She did not know how to tell people she was upset with them. She hung up and sat on her bed. Tears flooded her face and this time she let them flow. She was tired of this act. She could not play this part any longer.

She looked around one last time. She knew she was not coming back. Earlier, even for a week-long trip, she would pack two suitcases. This time she was leaving empty-handed. As she stepped out to lock the door, she heard her phone ringing inside. For a fleeting moment, she almost went back inside to answer the call but she stopped herself just in time. She could not allow herself to fall into the tempting trap once again. Leaving had never been easy for her especially when she knew she had unfinished business. Leaving without saying a good-bye was even more difficult. However, she had resolved to let go off all the things she feared losing. This was her first step in that direction; and like most first steps are, this was the hardest one to take.

She handed the key to the landlord. The path ahead wasn't simple. She did not know where she was headed. All she knew was that there would be no looking back. She could feel the rush of freedom trickling down her veins as she marched along this road of new adventures, finally, taking charge of her own life.

Love

She sat by the lake and stared at the setting sun. It was a beautiful evening. She watched the Night arranging itself, colouring the evening purple and the blue sky black. She would have liked to be alone but instead, she was surrounded by love-struck, young couples, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. She rolled her eyes and tried to look away as one pair of love-birds indulged in tender, passionate kissing, completely oblivious of the rest of the world. She despised public displays of affection. Suddenly, she felt a knot in her stomach. The tightening feeling made her want to throw up. This was not good. This could not be happening! She immediately got up and started walking, not sure of the direction she was headed towards.  Tears were starting to well up in her eyes and she furiously fought them, trying to stop herself from crying.

She felt silly. She had no idea why she was crying. Was it for a lost love? Or a love never lost? Or was it for a love that never happened? She wished she could just shrug her shoulders, mutter “I don’t know” and brush it off but she knew deep down that she had the answer. She was now all by herself on a lonely boulevard and it was getting darker. Perhaps this darkness was a metaphor of her harsh reality. She thought that the darkness was symbolic of the hatred she had nurtured in her mind about the so-called metaphysical feeling called ‘love’. She had started despising the entire notion of love. The very mention of love irritated her. She had been its victim once. Love had forced her to care so immensely that she saw that someone in a way that was inaccurate. What and who she thought the person was did not match up to who they were in reality. Wearing rose-coloured glasses and overlooking that someone’s flaws and imperfections was easy. What was difficult was ignoring the fact that she was not being treated with the kindness and love she deserved. After spending weeks and months trying to figure out what was wrong with her, she finally broke free from the cycle and escaped home.

As she looked around, she found herself alone. With the evening coming to a close, people had started trickling out of the park. She found an empty spot by the lake and looked at her reflection in the water. She was not pleased at the sight. Returning home had not really helped. While she enjoyed returning to familiar territories, she missed the company of a few of her friends in her current city of residence. After all, they understood what she was going through. Around them there were no charades. But she loved the feel of her home-town. It helped her connect to her true self – a self she had forgotten and forgone long ago. She knew she was caught in a tussle but as she witnessed the turmoil in her body, things started clearing up for her. She knew home was not a place or a person. As long as she could be comfortable in her own company, she would always be home.

She had no idea why she was suddenly feeling angry. She tossed a stone into the water and watched the ripples distorting her image. She had to stay strong. She could not allow herself to fall into the trap set by love once again. She resolved to resist love with all her might and never fall in love again. How foolish of her! She failed to see that love was too vast for her to feel it. Love was present in every breath that gave her life. It was love that allowed her to feel that strength from within. Love was the wisdom within her. Love is all these things in everyone. Love was not separate from her. She was love.

The Pedestal

In her eyes, he was the complete embodiment of perfection. He could never make mistakes. She saw him in this glowing light from the very first time they had met. The thought of him was enough to make her smile and being around him always filled her heart with a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling. These days, however, things weren’t quite the same. She felt lonely and hurt. She just could not understand his actions. She knew something was wrong with her because everything was right with him. Why was she so flawed? What could she do to be as perfect as him? Her inadequacies and faults frustrated her.

He could see the hurt in her eyes. He wished he could ease her pain. But he felt completely helpless. He remembered the first time they had met – she used to always have a merry twinkle in her eyes and her chirpy voice always lightened everyone’s moods. He wished he could restore her old self but he did not have the skills. Repairing people and bringing out the best in them was her gift.  Even if he desired, there was nothing he could do to fix things. He wondered what had gone wrong. Why was she not able to be the paramount version of herself?

She had put him on a high pedestal. Thus, she had given up her power and started believing that she was just not good enough. Whenever she thought of him, only his good qualities dominated the foreground of her perception. He just did not seem to possess any negative qualities. Trouble had started brewing for her the moment external circumstances tried showing her that this state of grace was just a temporary phase. She was not ready to let go off her beliefs.

He was also not in a good place. As long as she continued to believe in her own projection, she could never see him as a person who also had flaws and issues. Initially, he had enjoyed seeing himself as perfect through her eyes but he kept wishing that she had not believed in that illusion. By entertaining the illusion that he was perfect, she had deprived him of the space to be human. He always had to think a million times before acting. Yet there were quite a few times that he had slipped. Each time he made an error in judgment or acted in contradiction to her idea of perfection, he could see her closing up and distancing herself from him. She did not want to become disillusioned. The very thought made her so angry!

She knew he was not to blame for the fact that she idealized him. She wished she could just accept that no one is perfect – we are all a combination of human and divine qualities and each day, we struggle to maintain a balance. The more she filled her head with this idea, the easier it became for her to love him with this new-found awareness. She saw that by embracing this idea, she was actually allowing herself for a greater intimacy than when she had held him aloft an airy throne. The moment she could see through her idealized projection was the moment she began to see him as he truly was.

He looked at her and was amazed to see the transformation. After a long time, he felt truly connected to her. They walked on equal grounds together holding hands. Finally they had realized that in life, there are no pedestals. They owned their own divinity as well as their humanity. They had finally discovered the key to balance and wholeness within themselves and their relationship. They were finally at peace.

Too Much Candy! Too Much Crush!

Every night, as I lie in bed, I think of the day I have spent. It’s not something that I do consciously – the memories just come flashing back like a train hurtling through the darkness. Last night as I reflected on the activities of the day, there was a sudden intrusion of an unrelated thought: “It has been more than half an hour since I’ve been lying in bed without falling asleep. I must be having at least 3 lives now in Candy Crush! Let me play for some time and then try going back to sleep!”
I am a very lazy person. At the end of the day, especially, I am so lethargic that nothing can really drag me out of bed once I am on it. Yet I got up last night, took the effort of switching on my laptop and I played the game. To my joy, I had 4 and not 3 lives and I played Candy Crush for at least an hour before all my lives were exhausted. Then, I finally retired to bed and as I closed my eyes to fall asleep, I could still see the colourful shapes like a virtual Candy Crush in my head.

Dreaming about Candy Crush wasn’t a new occurrence for me. These dreams are recurring when I am stuck on a very difficult level for days! While I have played games like Bejeweled, Farmville, Mafia Wars, Angry Birds and Tetris in the past, never was I so hooked to these games the way I am in the case of Candy Crush. I mean this is the first time I am dreaming about a game in my sleep!

I know what you must be thinking, “Gosh! She is so addicted!” Perhaps, I am. Last night wasn’t my first clue. There have been times when I have told my friends that I’ll call them later because I was busy playing Candy Crush. Thankfully I do not switch on my laptop in the morning; otherwise, I am sure I would be late for work! I have always had a large circle of friends. However, I make it a point to clean my Facebook profile at least once in two months and delete those people from my list who I haven’t been in touch with for quite a long time – these days there are many people on my list for the sole reason that they, like me, play Candy Crush and deleting them would exhaust my supply of extra lives or moves! Candy Crush has even seeped into my daily conversations. Some days ago, a colleague of mine offered me a Kit Kat and harmlessly asked, “You like chocolate, right?” I replied, “Of course I love chocolate! Except when I am playing Candy Crush! That time, I keep wishing that chocolate never existed!” I looked at her puzzled face and asked her, “You don’t play Candy Crush?” She meekly shook her head to indicate a ‘no’ and was startled at my look of disbelief. I immediately downloaded Candy Crush on her Android phone and taught her to play. I take pride in declaring that on that particular date, I seduced another poor soul into getting addicted to the game! She actually had a Facebook status the next afternoon requesting all those people on her list who play Candy Crush to send her lives! I had a hearty laugh as I read her status!

Sometimes I thank my stars that I still have a Windows Phone; hence I cannot play that game on my mobile phone. I know people who keep their laptop, phone, iPad all next to them so that they can get fresh lives. My friend says that his mother plays Candy Crush on her phone and when she has exhausted her lives, she actually borrows his phone or his father’s phone to have another go at that game! That is the charm of Candy Crush – people of all ages and both, men and women, are addicted to that game. It does not matter if you are 16 or 60; everyone has become a Candy Crusher! I have managed to strike casual conversations with women on local trains while helping them cross a level on Candy Crush! Even now, when I am not playing the game, I am writing about it!

So, what makes Candy Crush so addictive? Is it the fact that you only have 5 consecutive attempts to advance and failing to do so blocks you from playing for at least 30 minutes? The game is fun and simple but I think the reason why it has become an addiction is its ability to make you long for it. Other games which offer you unlimited lives or simpler levels do not really catch your interest beyond a point of time. Each level of Candy Crush has something new to offer and each level gives you access to a new world of fun. Also, it incorporates the principles of classical conditioning and operant conditioning at amazingly ingenious levels!

I have been a Candy Crusher for almost a year now. I actually remember mentioning that Candy Crush was the most awesome discovery I made in 2013! How addicted, if at all, are you to Candy Crush?