A Letter To My Girl-Friend

Friendship is a story that chances a beginning each time two strangers interact and click with each other. Our tale is not like those. We started chatting, we met, but we never really ended up becoming "good friends". You were busy with whatever was happening in your life and I had different priorities in mine. And then, on that fated night, you called. I don't think even you knew back then that that phone conversation would change a lot of equations in our life! We were up the whole night, talking on the phone, and since then - we haven't stopped!

You are the one person who knows most of my secrets - the only one who knows all my fears, my desires, the one I trust to keep all my secrets safe - and I know all my secrets are safe with you. I have no inhibitions even sharing those thoughts with you that might make others label me as, perhaps, weird. You may not be non-judgmental at all times but it's alright - sometimes, I need to hear the truth, no matter how hard it may seem. You are someone with whom I can gossip for hours and I love the fact that you listen to me even when I am telling you about people who you do not know at all.

Life is not a bed of roses and our relationship has never been free of thorns. There are times when I have felt that we are growing apart. I have rationalized that it isn't anybody's fault and we are just different people headed in different directions.  But then something happens at work and I start to laugh. My colleagues look at me and wonder what's wrong. At that time, I miss you because I know you would know why I was laughing and join me! With the passage of time, we have so many inside jokes that our friendship has developed a secret code of its own - sometimes we can simply look at each other, not say a word, and just start cracking up leaving those watching us perplexed and miffed. Even when I am not with you, there are times when I see something and immediately think of you. It is a reflex action to just dial your name on my phone and tell you all about my day - not many things register as actual experiences unless I have shared them with you.

Changes can be rough. With you by my side, I believe I might be able to survive all the major changes that life will throw my way and I promise to always hold your hand and walk by  your side when life is being a rocky ride for you. After all, friendship is all about being there for your friend - so whether you need my help while you are nursing a broken heart or whether you need me to take care of you while you've returned home drunk, I shall do the needful because I know you would do the same for me.

I have always been a social butterfly but there are very few people who are included in my innermost circle of friends. You are, probably, the only girl in that intimate circle - If today I believe that every girl needs a girl-friend by her side, it is only because of your presence in my life. I love the way we finish each other's sentences and know how the other one is feeling by a simple glance at her face. Our friendship has been put to test quite a few times but each time, it has survived because neither of us is ready to give up on the other person and on the bond that we share.  Thank you for being such an integral part of my life. I genuinely hope that we shall be friends till the end!

The End

Every night, I dream of being awoken drowsy on a late night call from you, buzzing just to say, "I miss you." Each day passes by with me hoping to receive a text from you, simply asking, "How are you?" Getting over you is going to be harder than I thought because I never laugh the way I laughed with you. There is nowhere for me to completely surrender myself into a crazy serenity. Surprisingly, no pain has made me cry more than the pain I felt when I took a step back and you just allowed me to walk away. Earlier, I used to cry thinking only about the precious time we spent together which will never return. These days, I feel that time itself has gone.

What do I miss more? The drowning sun, to a sultry night, where you were the moon to light? Or the crowning glory of a failed cause where you were my pillar to lean? You were always there when I was in a bad mood. I have nowhere to go now.

Sometimes, I blame myself. I should never have let my fingers let go of yours! I wish I still had the right to call  you mine. These days, I feel like a criminal each time your name tries to surface on my lips. It's a pity that while fingers are allowed to lose their grip, memories continue to live till time and beyond.

People say that broken hearts are often mended while there are others that remain bruised. I am not sure if the shattered pieces of my broken heart can ever be recovered. If by chance, someone does collect those wrecked pieces, what will happen if my heart is broken again? It is extremely hard for me to tolerate the pain now; will I ever be able to bear it again should similar circumstances repeat themselves?

I wonder for quite some time about what I should do. Finally, I have the solution! I am going to rip my heart out. Then, I shall shut it in a little black box and lock it with a key. I will bury the box in the ground and then row a boat to the deepest point of the ocean. There, I will throw the key and never look back. Someday, the key may wash ashore and someone might find it. But there is no way the key will find its way back to me! Even if it does come back, it shall not matter. The key will be useless by then as the little box which contained my heart would have powdered into five elements and perished. I will walk around with a big hole in my chest but I will never be in pain. I will be a coward but I will be okay.

For Suns That Never Set

The moon, no longer, looks beautiful. Tonight, it just seems to leave a mark on the clear, sunken sky. The rustling leaves which earlier whispered sweet melodies now give forlorn tunes. I continue to walk down the familiar path but it seems to take me longer than usual. Am I walking in circles?

I try chasing the shadows. Amidst the hazy labyrinth, one image stands clear - an echo of laughter tears my misty eyes. The sound of a delightful cry draws up a smile on my lips. My flailing hands try to trap the figure but it just disappears;  yet another failed attempt by rusted strings to savour a blistered song.

I decide to take a walk on the beach. I pick a handful of sand and hope that one grain will be you. The grains of sand are simply misbehaving! Perhaps you are here, slipping through my fingers, yet again.

It starts to rain. I watch the drops fall down on me, slithering through the branches of the tree under which I stand. The droplets entice me into remembering you when you tickled and teased me, to finally dry into oblivion, yet again.

You loved collecting rocks and stones. As the rain stops, almost as suddenly as it had begun, I pick up an interesting looking pebble. You cannot escape me now! But my embrace is not returned. Happiness can indeed be unfair! I can see the creases, smiling faintly, not responding to me, yet again.

Floundering around the muddy road, I find myself in a maze of roses. No matter how hard I try, it isn't easy getting rid of the scent of our memories. Roses were my favourite flowers; and each time you got me a red rose, with the fragrance of the flower, I somehow associated your smell. I stare at the loveliest rose in the garden. It looks so inviting! I don't need to be gifted roses when I can pick them up  for myself! But alas! The pricking thorns of the flower just force me out, yet again.

Finally admitting defeat, I storm back home. But this time, I meet a gush of breeze, tripping over, resisting to smile. The freshness reeks of you! You have come here as well! I just grasp the air and inhale. With each deep breath, I place you in me, and fall in love with you, yet again.

To Mummy, With Love

I don't have particularly vivid memories of my childhood but as far as the classic game of Good Cop, Bad Cop is concerned, in my eyes, my father always played the role of the 'Good Cop' while my mother was invariably viewed as the 'Bad Cop'. After all, my father used to bring us toys and chocolates from his tours abroad. My mother used to ensure we eat healthy home-cooked food. My father used to take us on outings every Sunday. My mother would return home every evening and check our school-work. While both parents insisted on me getting good grades, it was my mother who used to force me to finish my homework and scold me if I did not score very well. Moreover, she would wake me up every morning so that I did not get late for school - unfortunately, being rudely awakened from my beauty sleep because of my mother's incessant screaming was not exactly my idea of a "good" morning. I remember commenting as a child that I hated my mother's shouting - I think, as a child, it was something that I feared.

As I blossomed into a teenager, gone were my shy, well-behaved mannerisms. Suddenly in school, teachers started telling my mother that I had transformed from being "the quietest in class" to one of the most talkative persons. It was in sixth grade that I actually started interacting more with my peers and got a closer peek into their worlds. It was in sixth standard that I realized, for the very first time in my life, that my mom was cool! It was a very random incident but it is one that I remember clearly even to this date - our class got a couple of free passes to the local amusement park and my friends and I wanted to go on our own. Each one of my circle of friends rehearsed a speech to present before our respective mothers in order to get permission. I too did the same. When my mother returned home in the evening, I was a little anxious. I waited for her to settle down and then brought up the topic precariously. To my utmost surprise, I did not even need to finish before she said 'yes' and gave me permission (though she insisted on some form of adult supervision). When I called my friends, I found that a lot of my friends who had boasted in class about how getting permission was not at all an issue for them were having trouble convincing their parents. That was the first time I realized my mother is actually not as scary as I think of her to be - she may scream and shout but if I am being reasonable, she will support me. She managed to even convince my friends' parents to give permission after assuring them that we wouldn't be left completely alone and by ourselves.

When I was in twelfth grade, I remember getting on the wrong side of one of the teachers in school. It did not bother me because my entire gang of friends were eye-sores for her and we landed in trouble almost every day. Never in my life had I ever served detentions until then. Unfortunately, my mother did not find this whole affair funny - it did not matter to her that I had partners in crime. According to her, I should have remained in the good books of the teacher and I remember fighting with her over this innumerable times. Even though I don't agree with this view-point even today, this was one incident where my mother taught me to respect the position of authority irrespective of the person occupying it.

When I moved out of my home-town and started living on my own, I realized my mother's importance. For the first time, I was responsible for my own self. There was no one to wake me up on time for my classes. There was no one to make my bed. No one was there to force me to eat something before leaving the house. Little things that my mother used to do over the years for which I never thanked her even once...Even today, though I have been living away from home for almost seven years now, whenever she is visiting, she will still go out and buy me necessities that I will never think of getting for myself; and though I hate it when she cleans, I really appreciate how nice and organized my place looks for the next couple of days.

Over the years, my mother has become my friend. I find a lot of people around me complaining about how they need to hide some things from their mother because "no matter how cool parents say they are, they are only fine with things if they are happening to other children and not their own" - it is difficult for me to relate to such statements. While I may not tell my mother every single detail of what's going on in my life, I do not think I would ever lie to her if she asked me specific questions. We may not have long, thoughtful conversations but her smart, witty comments have always lightened my mood and also made her an instant hit among my friends! Recently a friend of mine asked if I would ever marry a guy who my mother doesn't approve. My first response to her was "Yes, why not? I have to live with him, not she." However, as I thought about what I had just said, I added, "I don't think my mother would ever have issues with a guy I really like - if she does, there is probably something wrong with him that has caught her attention and not mine. If she brings it to my notice and that 'fault' or 'shortcoming' is not an issue for me, I will go ahead with my decision otherwise I will have to think about it." My friend was a little taken-aback at my answer, and to be honest, even I was surprised at what I had just uttered. All these years I have adored my mother for the immense amount of trust she has had in me without realizing that I have the same amount of faith in her.

My mother has taught me to always stand up for what I believe in. She has taught me to endlessly support my near and dear ones especially before outsiders (it does not matter if our internal equations are jarred at that present moment). She has also taught me to be accountable for my own self and not rely on others to get my work done. I will not say I have mastered each lesson that she has bestowed my way - my mother and I are very different persons with a lot of dissimilar perspectives, attitudes and mannerisms but while we may have our share of conflicts, I can only see my relationship with her strengthening with each passing day for the amount of love and respect I have for her makes it impossible for me to imagine my life without her in it. 

An Ode To Best Friends

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."

- Henry Ford

We all need friends to get on with life. So, if you are among the fortunate few who have been blessed with a special friend, hold on to that person and do not let them go. Love your best friend more than you love a lazy Sunday morning with breakfast in bed. Love them the way you love yourself and even more than your current romantic interest.

Love your best friend because they know everything about you and love you nonetheless. They know when you've had a lousy day judging by just your monosyllabic responses to text messages and they know how to put you in a better mood. They know what you really mean when you say "I'm fine" and they have their ways of actually getting the truth out of you. Love your best friend because they know all your secrets. They know the number of beats your heart is skipping despite your so-called successful attempt at maintaining a straight face and calm demeanor.

Love your best friend because without them, you probably wouldn't be the person you are. Life has its knack of giving you bad times mixed with the good and you and your best friend would have been through a lot together. Your best friend cheered louder than you when you got your first job. Every time your heart broke, they were there to glue the shattered pieces back together.

Love your best friend even when you are mad at them. Love them even if you want to hate them for cancelling plans last minute or for not spending enough time with you. Instead of cheering you up, even if they made you more miserable, love them anyway for you cannot imagine your life without them. After all, they are also human and they can be allowed to make some mistakes. And if they are your best friend, they will obviously fix their goof-up later.

It's not enough to just love them. You must tell them that you love them! Even when the two of you have had a fight, tell them you love them so that they know the extent to which they are valued in your life. It isn't easy but sometimes the relationship is more important than what's right and wrong. Love them even if they never say it back to you. Expression is not always their strongest cup of tea.

Thank your best friend. Thank them for tolerating you despite your extreme mood-swings. Thank them for bearing with you when you've been exceptionally quiet and distracted. Thank them for supporting you and abiding by your rules even when you have been unreasonable. Thank them for being themselves around you and thank them for believing in the best of you. It is because of them that you have learnt so much about  yourself. Thank them not just for being there for you but for also loving you just as much.

You

Waking up early has never been my cup of tea yet I look forward to mornings because they remind me that darkness never remains forever; ultimately, new opportunities will present themselves for us to rectify our mistakes, learn from our experiences, and move forward in life. You make me feel like I have endless mornings. Even if I have messed up real bad the previous day, with you in my life, I feel I still have a chance to set things right when I wake up the next morning.

None of us are perfect and we are all eternally struggling to ensure our virtues outweigh our flaws; but with you in my world, I feel as if I am already a very good person; all I need to do is strive to get better.

We all have our moments of doubt. At some point or the other, we've all felt that our lives are getting destroyed beyond recognition and there is nothing we can do about it. With you in my life, things seem more tolerable than they actually might be. I feel that even if my life crumpled to bits, I can stay strong knowing that I have it in me to fix what's broken. Your belief in me makes me feel invincible even in my weak moments.

Sometimes I wish I could find that special someone for you who would be your perfect match and complete you. I often find myself pondering that there must be someone out there who deserves you more than I do and who can give you all that I cannot. The pure love you exude often makes me question things around me. All my life, I have been conditioned to believe that good things do not fall out of thin air and if you want something, be it affection, care, money, or any material good, you need to work for it. Every day I wonder what is the reason behind the presence of your love in my life? What have I done to deserve it?

You make me so happy that it's almost frightening! Your love makes me want to be a more radiant version of me. It inspires me to look and think and act as best as I can. You make me feel secure enough to try new things without worrying about failure. I know you will love me anyway. With you in my life, I am not scared of spreading my wings and attempting a flight. Even if I fall, I know you will be there to catch me. I want to make you proud. I want to be worth all the trust and faith you have placed in me.

Gradually, with the passage of time, you have taught me how to accept things without thinking that I will have to pay for them. You have taught me that sometimes love can just arrive without any warning and even if you demand explanations, all questions you ask are irrelevant and, possibly, even unanswerable. Maybe love is just something that simply has to be received, embraced and accepted. There is really nothing else that a person can do about love once it has arrived at their door-step. Love is a privilege and what more can we do besides being grateful for its presence in our universe? 

I do not believe in a happily ever after. In future, our paths may drift or we could simply outgrow each other. There is also a chance that our love could just survive the test of time. I may not know whether our story has a fairy-tale ending or not but, just for today, I feel humbled to have known reality as wonderful as this and I shall eternally be thankful to you for this gratifying experience. 

Unspoken Words

He gazed at her in wonder as she scrunched her eyes, bursting into a fit of giggles. He was in awe of her ability to find humour in the toughest of situations. She caught him staring and suppressed her laughter.
"What are you thinking?" she demanded to know.
"Nothing," he said dismissively.
"Come on," she prodded. "There is something going on inside your head. I can see it on your face. Tell me what is it. Spill the beans!"
She could see a faint smile on his face that vanished almost as suddenly as it had appeared.
"It's impossible to hide anything from you!" he complained. "Let it go. It wasn't important."

She sighed. He never told her anything. In his defense, he felt the same way about her. She was unusually quiet these days. However, there was a big difference even in their respective silences. He never said anything despite her incessant questioning. He did not like having talks on trivial matters. She never spoke because he never really asked her anything. He believed if something was important, she would tell him on her own. Asking questions was too much of a hassle; especially because she had a knack for navigating her way around questions she did not want to answer.

He looked at her as she silently sipped her cup of coffee. She still looked as lovely as she did seven years ago. But the signs of transformation were clearly visible even to him, who, according to her, never paid attention to anything. He could see that her bright, sparkling eyes had lost their luster; her previously beaming face now looked crestfallen and her dazzling smile that at one point of time had lighted up many hearts now appeared broken and never reached her eyes.

He wondered if they had made the right decision. The picture no more looked perfect. Life was jumbled and both of them seemed to just be pecking on to live. Letting go of her was not easy for him. From the moment he had laid his eyes on her, he had found his world changing - it was as if the the earth inside him shifted as per the beats of her heart which had become its new gravity. Only good things had come his way since she had stepped into his life. He wished he could say the same for her. He did not know what she had gained by giving  up the comforts of her familiar world only to be with him. He knew he wanted her for his own selfish interests. He was not sure if he loved her - true love was supposed to be selfless, wasn't it?

She stared at him as he was lost in his world of thought. Judging by his expression, she knew he was once again occupying the room of doubt. She wished he could give up his obsession with perfection. They had been together since the last seven years. She had never cared for a person as much as she did for him. Just the thought of him was enough to generate a smile on her face. Yet she did not know if she loved him. She had read about love in novels and seen it in movies but she did not know if it existed in the real world. She was not sure if she would be living with him had she known what love truly was. Love, according to her, belonged to some unknown territory, of which she was no inhabitant. Love was free to go on its own journey - it could choose to settle down or roam around like a nomad. She had no intention of following the trail made by love. That was not why she had left her world behind.  She had done so not for love but for him - she belonged in his space and would only walk beside him on whatever path he chose for himself.

It did not seem to matter that these conversations always took place inside their heads. To each other, they said not a word yet everything that was there in their hearts was seemingly understood. He instinctively reached for her hand and clasped it tightly into his. She smiled and rested her head on his shoulders. Life was filled with challenges and presented new opportunities, each day, for them to question themselves and their choices. Right now, they had won this battle. But it was not the end for they still had miles to go before they reached the destination that was still unknown to them...