Love

She sat by the lake and stared at the setting sun. It was a beautiful evening. She watched the Night arranging itself, colouring the evening purple and the blue sky black. She would have liked to be alone but instead, she was surrounded by love-struck, young couples, holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes. She rolled her eyes and tried to look away as one pair of love-birds indulged in tender, passionate kissing, completely oblivious of the rest of the world. She despised public displays of affection. Suddenly, she felt a knot in her stomach. The tightening feeling made her want to throw up. This was not good. This could not be happening! She immediately got up and started walking, not sure of the direction she was headed towards.  Tears were starting to well up in her eyes and she furiously fought them, trying to stop herself from crying.

She felt silly. She had no idea why she was crying. Was it for a lost love? Or a love never lost? Or was it for a love that never happened? She wished she could just shrug her shoulders, mutter “I don’t know” and brush it off but she knew deep down that she had the answer. She was now all by herself on a lonely boulevard and it was getting darker. Perhaps this darkness was a metaphor of her harsh reality. She thought that the darkness was symbolic of the hatred she had nurtured in her mind about the so-called metaphysical feeling called ‘love’. She had started despising the entire notion of love. The very mention of love irritated her. She had been its victim once. Love had forced her to care so immensely that she saw that someone in a way that was inaccurate. What and who she thought the person was did not match up to who they were in reality. Wearing rose-coloured glasses and overlooking that someone’s flaws and imperfections was easy. What was difficult was ignoring the fact that she was not being treated with the kindness and love she deserved. After spending weeks and months trying to figure out what was wrong with her, she finally broke free from the cycle and escaped home.

As she looked around, she found herself alone. With the evening coming to a close, people had started trickling out of the park. She found an empty spot by the lake and looked at her reflection in the water. She was not pleased at the sight. Returning home had not really helped. While she enjoyed returning to familiar territories, she missed the company of a few of her friends in her current city of residence. After all, they understood what she was going through. Around them there were no charades. But she loved the feel of her home-town. It helped her connect to her true self – a self she had forgotten and forgone long ago. She knew she was caught in a tussle but as she witnessed the turmoil in her body, things started clearing up for her. She knew home was not a place or a person. As long as she could be comfortable in her own company, she would always be home.

She had no idea why she was suddenly feeling angry. She tossed a stone into the water and watched the ripples distorting her image. She had to stay strong. She could not allow herself to fall into the trap set by love once again. She resolved to resist love with all her might and never fall in love again. How foolish of her! She failed to see that love was too vast for her to feel it. Love was present in every breath that gave her life. It was love that allowed her to feel that strength from within. Love was the wisdom within her. Love is all these things in everyone. Love was not separate from her. She was love.

The Pedestal

In her eyes, he was the complete embodiment of perfection. He could never make mistakes. She saw him in this glowing light from the very first time they had met. The thought of him was enough to make her smile and being around him always filled her heart with a nice, warm, fuzzy feeling. These days, however, things weren’t quite the same. She felt lonely and hurt. She just could not understand his actions. She knew something was wrong with her because everything was right with him. Why was she so flawed? What could she do to be as perfect as him? Her inadequacies and faults frustrated her.

He could see the hurt in her eyes. He wished he could ease her pain. But he felt completely helpless. He remembered the first time they had met – she used to always have a merry twinkle in her eyes and her chirpy voice always lightened everyone’s moods. He wished he could restore her old self but he did not have the skills. Repairing people and bringing out the best in them was her gift.  Even if he desired, there was nothing he could do to fix things. He wondered what had gone wrong. Why was she not able to be the paramount version of herself?

She had put him on a high pedestal. Thus, she had given up her power and started believing that she was just not good enough. Whenever she thought of him, only his good qualities dominated the foreground of her perception. He just did not seem to possess any negative qualities. Trouble had started brewing for her the moment external circumstances tried showing her that this state of grace was just a temporary phase. She was not ready to let go off her beliefs.

He was also not in a good place. As long as she continued to believe in her own projection, she could never see him as a person who also had flaws and issues. Initially, he had enjoyed seeing himself as perfect through her eyes but he kept wishing that she had not believed in that illusion. By entertaining the illusion that he was perfect, she had deprived him of the space to be human. He always had to think a million times before acting. Yet there were quite a few times that he had slipped. Each time he made an error in judgment or acted in contradiction to her idea of perfection, he could see her closing up and distancing herself from him. She did not want to become disillusioned. The very thought made her so angry!

She knew he was not to blame for the fact that she idealized him. She wished she could just accept that no one is perfect – we are all a combination of human and divine qualities and each day, we struggle to maintain a balance. The more she filled her head with this idea, the easier it became for her to love him with this new-found awareness. She saw that by embracing this idea, she was actually allowing herself for a greater intimacy than when she had held him aloft an airy throne. The moment she could see through her idealized projection was the moment she began to see him as he truly was.

He looked at her and was amazed to see the transformation. After a long time, he felt truly connected to her. They walked on equal grounds together holding hands. Finally they had realized that in life, there are no pedestals. They owned their own divinity as well as their humanity. They had finally discovered the key to balance and wholeness within themselves and their relationship. They were finally at peace.

Too Much Candy! Too Much Crush!

Every night, as I lie in bed, I think of the day I have spent. It’s not something that I do consciously – the memories just come flashing back like a train hurtling through the darkness. Last night as I reflected on the activities of the day, there was a sudden intrusion of an unrelated thought: “It has been more than half an hour since I’ve been lying in bed without falling asleep. I must be having at least 3 lives now in Candy Crush! Let me play for some time and then try going back to sleep!”
I am a very lazy person. At the end of the day, especially, I am so lethargic that nothing can really drag me out of bed once I am on it. Yet I got up last night, took the effort of switching on my laptop and I played the game. To my joy, I had 4 and not 3 lives and I played Candy Crush for at least an hour before all my lives were exhausted. Then, I finally retired to bed and as I closed my eyes to fall asleep, I could still see the colourful shapes like a virtual Candy Crush in my head.

Dreaming about Candy Crush wasn’t a new occurrence for me. These dreams are recurring when I am stuck on a very difficult level for days! While I have played games like Bejeweled, Farmville, Mafia Wars, Angry Birds and Tetris in the past, never was I so hooked to these games the way I am in the case of Candy Crush. I mean this is the first time I am dreaming about a game in my sleep!

I know what you must be thinking, “Gosh! She is so addicted!” Perhaps, I am. Last night wasn’t my first clue. There have been times when I have told my friends that I’ll call them later because I was busy playing Candy Crush. Thankfully I do not switch on my laptop in the morning; otherwise, I am sure I would be late for work! I have always had a large circle of friends. However, I make it a point to clean my Facebook profile at least once in two months and delete those people from my list who I haven’t been in touch with for quite a long time – these days there are many people on my list for the sole reason that they, like me, play Candy Crush and deleting them would exhaust my supply of extra lives or moves! Candy Crush has even seeped into my daily conversations. Some days ago, a colleague of mine offered me a Kit Kat and harmlessly asked, “You like chocolate, right?” I replied, “Of course I love chocolate! Except when I am playing Candy Crush! That time, I keep wishing that chocolate never existed!” I looked at her puzzled face and asked her, “You don’t play Candy Crush?” She meekly shook her head to indicate a ‘no’ and was startled at my look of disbelief. I immediately downloaded Candy Crush on her Android phone and taught her to play. I take pride in declaring that on that particular date, I seduced another poor soul into getting addicted to the game! She actually had a Facebook status the next afternoon requesting all those people on her list who play Candy Crush to send her lives! I had a hearty laugh as I read her status!

Sometimes I thank my stars that I still have a Windows Phone; hence I cannot play that game on my mobile phone. I know people who keep their laptop, phone, iPad all next to them so that they can get fresh lives. My friend says that his mother plays Candy Crush on her phone and when she has exhausted her lives, she actually borrows his phone or his father’s phone to have another go at that game! That is the charm of Candy Crush – people of all ages and both, men and women, are addicted to that game. It does not matter if you are 16 or 60; everyone has become a Candy Crusher! I have managed to strike casual conversations with women on local trains while helping them cross a level on Candy Crush! Even now, when I am not playing the game, I am writing about it!

So, what makes Candy Crush so addictive? Is it the fact that you only have 5 consecutive attempts to advance and failing to do so blocks you from playing for at least 30 minutes? The game is fun and simple but I think the reason why it has become an addiction is its ability to make you long for it. Other games which offer you unlimited lives or simpler levels do not really catch your interest beyond a point of time. Each level of Candy Crush has something new to offer and each level gives you access to a new world of fun. Also, it incorporates the principles of classical conditioning and operant conditioning at amazingly ingenious levels!

I have been a Candy Crusher for almost a year now. I actually remember mentioning that Candy Crush was the most awesome discovery I made in 2013! How addicted, if at all, are you to Candy Crush?

Looking Back

Today is 31^st December. The year 2013 finally comes to an end. As I review the year, I realize that it has been a particularly interesting year for me. 2013 was packed with challenges and there were some moments where I felt I had completely hit rock-bottom. Of course, there were several good things also that came my way which, to some extent, neutralized the effects of some of the lows.

While each day is a learning experience, these are some of the important lessons I learned in 2013:

Lesson 1: Set Goals.
This year I realized that it is easy to feel lost when you don’t really know where you are headed. Making a list of things to achieve not only helps you develop skills or gather experience but it also helps you keep a more positive outlook towards your future. While I still advocate others to go with the flow and not to have plans set in stone, sometimes it is good to define one’s goals – it really helps one stay focused.

Lesson 2: Relax.

I love what I do! I feel I can be a complete workaholic simply because engaging in work gives me sheer pleasure. However, it is extremely important to take ample time out of your busy schedule to just chill! It is perfectly alright to take a day off work and just sit at home – you don’t need to do that only when you fall sick.

Lesson 3: Say ‘NO’.
I haven’t found it easy to refuse people. I used to give in to people’s demands even at times when I knew they were inconveniencing to me because I was scared of hurting them. This year, I learned that saying “no” isn’t such a big deal! People aren’t so delicate that they will be shattered because you refuse to do them a small favour. They’ll move on and you need not feel guilty about saying “no”.

Lesson 4: Enjoy Your Own Company.
In the past, I was known as a social butterfly. I always fluttered from one group to another, forever mingling with all kinds of people. This year I realized how important it is to appreciate your own company. Spending time by yourself helps you connect with your core – allow yourself the space for that communication.

Lesson 5: Be Non-Judgmental.
From the very first day of my counselling course, it was hammered in our heads that we need to be non-judgmental, empathetic and have unconditional positive regard for all our clients. This year I realized the value of extending this to every other person with whom I come in contact. Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources available to them – think a million times before passing a judgment about someone.

Lesson 6: Never Treat Others The Way You Don’t Want To Be Treated.
Karma really is one heartless bitch! Sooner or later, you are going to have to pay for your actions as what goes around comes around. Take your precautions and avoid causing pain to others. It is extremely painful when the same treatment is meted to you!

Lesson 7: Travel.
Visit new destinations. Learning about new places, people and culture only expands possibilities for your universe. You also learn to be tolerant and appreciate people from backgrounds that are completely different from your.

Lesson 8:  De-clutter Your Life.
Get rid of all the excess baggage. Clean your closet regularly to discard things you no longer use. Donate to the needy or throw them away if they are not in a condition to be distributed. The faster you get rid of things you don’t need, the sooner you will have room for things in life that you actually want. Similarly, get rid of people who are causing you pain and allow awesome people to fill their void. Drop all grudges and other negative emotions if you wish to feel the positive experience that is life.

Lesson 9: Ask For Help.
We don’t always have all the answers. It is alright to seek guidance from others when you find that you don’t know how to help yourself. Turn to your near and dear ones to assist you in your life’s journey – they will be happy to help because they know you’ll do the same for them! Also remember that no one can read minds. When you want to be helped, you need to ask for it.

Lesson 10: Cherish Your Friendships.
Even if you are extremely busy, take time off your schedule to make that call to your old friend in your home-town. Friends help you get through life by supporting you in your good and bad times. Value them and nurture the relationship. In moments when you feel that you are stumbling, you will need these friends to help you discover your inner strength.

Lesson 11: Don’t Hesitate In Taking A Few Steps Backwards.
Have you ever tried aiming at a target? In order to make the arrow strike the target, you first need to pull the string of the bow backwards. The further behind it goes, the greater is the distance travelled by the arrow. Similarly in life, sometimes in order to move forward, it is necessary to first take a few steps back. Do not get depressed if you feel you are hitting one setback after another instead of advancing towards your goal. Just believe in yourself and be patient. When the time is right, you will reach great heights.

Lesson 12: Prioritize.
While we may wish that we had all the time in the world, the sad truth is that we don’t! Build your life around things that matter to you because you don’t have a lot of time to do all the nothings that you want!

Lesson 13: Love Yourself.
This is probably the most important lesson that 2013 taught me. It is good to love and respect others but it is most important to love and value your own self. We all have faults and it is a common human tendency to feel insecure and fearful because of them. But do not be harsh on yourself. Remember that nothing is perfect and being human means to be fabulous despite your flaws. This year I realized that I need to stop being overly critical of myself. Life is beautiful and so are you. Forgive your flaws. Accept yourself the way you are. Love yourself. It is the first step you will take towards loving another being.

What did 2013 teach you?

The "Letting Go" Battle

Yesterday I met a friend of mine after almost two years. As we were catching up, she mentioned how she had just ended her four-year long relationship because she wanted more of his time and he was unable to give her that. I was amazed at how easy she made it seem. I was impressed because recently I have recognized how hard it is for me to just let go. I am not proud to admit that my life at the moment seems infested with people who don’t really treat me the way I deserve. There was a point of time when, for me, walking away was a piece of cake and I have no regrets over dumping some excruciatingly annoying people from my life. Lately, something has changed – sometimes I wish I could pinpoint exactly what is it that has brought about this transformation and re-wire myself to go back to my old ways. Why is it so hard to let go?

We've all been there. There comes that point of time when you realize that, for the sake of your own sanity, dignity or self-respect, you need to walk away. There are friends who lecture you and agree with you. They nag you about doing it because it is the right thing to do but no one really talks about how hard it actually is.

Arriving at the decision alone is a complex process – each time you find yourself weighing pros and cons of having or not having that person in your life. Once you have decided, it is a decision you have to stick to every single day. It’s as difficult a thing to do as it is to give up on chocolate! You may be able to ask your friends to stop gifting chocolates to you and dispose the stash you have stocked in your refrigerator but then there are unanticipated cravings. Cravings are easy to get rid of when you are craving a food-item but what do you do when you are craving the company of that particular someone you want to walk away from especially when that person intends to stay in your life?

The person in question sometimes comes up with effective justifications of how walking away from them is not a viable thing to do and there happens to be a moment when you believe these explanations because there is a part of you desperately trying to hold on while another part of you is doing its best to break away. One never knows which side will win the battle. You can remain strong and tell the person that it’s just not working out and you are not going to change your mind. You notice the hurt and puzzled expression on their face and try looking away. They leave you without saying a word. You are now left with guilt and then doubt enters the picture making you question whether you did the right thing or not.

Another strategy that some people, including myself, adopt is slowly distancing yourself away from that person so that by the time they realize you are gone from their lives it is too late. Some take refuge by putting in extra hours at work so that they can use that as an excuse for not being in touch. Others just take up a new hobby or start socializing with new sets of people. While you do this, you are still resisting the temptation of picking up your phone and calling that person. Sometimes you give in to your cravings and type them a message only to delete it before sending. You restrain from spying on their accounts on social networking sites and sometimes even avoid common friends. You are especially on your guard after over-indulging on the alcohol to avoid drunken messages or calls. When you don’t hear from them, you feel a sense of victory which gets falsified the very next moment that you realize they haven’t bothered to connect with you. Why do you always have to initiate? Why are you the one always taking the first step in every relationship? These questions cause you pain and you feel that your decision of deleting them from your life was indeed a wise one. And just then their name pops up on the screen of your phone. You can feel the lump in your throat and the knot in your stomach. Your validations were just about to get confirmed and they had to choose that very fated moment to remember you. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry. You are a little happy but angry at the same time. You blink back the tears that may have welled up in your eyes and try talking to them as normally as possible. Each second is a rigorous combat and you feel a huge sense of relief when the person finally hangs up.

The worst part about such an episode is that it does not happen just once – it’s a forever recurring phenomenon. You have to be forever prepared. At one point of time that person may realize you are being cold and distant and question you – you have to be brave throughout the interrogation. It isn't easy. You wish they would just read your mind, comprehend what you are going through, change their ways so that you could throw away this entire façade and return to your almost picture-perfect world; and if they are too incompetent to understand you, you wish that they just stay away.

Staying away after you have chosen to walk away is extremely challenging. You wish there was a manual that could tell you the exact length and sequence of these feelings but unfortunately you just have to allow time to take its course and keep hoping that eventually you will feel better. Sometimes I feel confrontations are better – at least they give you some form of closure. It is better than realizing one fine day that someone you cared for has randomly disappeared from your universe and you are totally clueless about what exactly happened. According to me, there never really is any good way of breaking up with someone you once cared about deeply. Even though having “the talk” may seem to be the adult thing to do, it doesn't always go as one has planned in the head.

The final confrontation may happen days, weeks or even months after you decided to finally end things and the entire fiasco is saddening, frustrating and infuriating. From time to time you will realize how difficult it is to say “no” because somewhere you still want to say “yes”. You will find it difficult to just ignore text messages. It’s very difficult to keep your promise of trying to stop when you aren't sure you do. It’s as difficult as recovering from addiction.

I always thought walking away was easy. When I wanted to walk away from someone, I thought I would just call it off and walk away with my head held high feeling great that I finally ended something that was causing me to suffer. Now I see it for what it really is – an ongoing relentless ordeal of consciously saying “no” even if you feel otherwise until you have officially moved on, all the while hoping in your heart of hearts that by some grace of the Divine, things miraculously change and you have to put an end to all this. Of course it is easy sometimes especially when you don’t care anymore or didn't care at all to begin with but those times are rare.

People aren't black or white and in the battle of letting go, you are constantly fighting in the gray area, forever negotiating your stance. Sometimes you do lose a part of yourself and I have come to realize that it’s alright because the new ‘you’ that emerges is a better version. The doubt may never leave you – in between the instances of feeling good, there may sometimes be a sense of regret. One can never be 100% sure if they are making the right decision by letting go. You will question that decision almost every minute. However, there is a part of you that has realized that life must go on and it is time to move away. The question really is – are you ready to take the plunge?

A Christmas Miracle

She stared at the world outside her window squinting her eyes to help her see through the fog. The streets were empty and the trees were barren. No one was in sight. Everyone seemed to have retired indoors to escape the icy chill of winter. Usually, she despised the cold.  Some winters, all she longed to do was slip into hibernation, snuggled under the comforts of her warm blanket. She always battled the cold by wrapping herself in multiple layers of clothing and sipping incessant cups of hot chocolate.

This time, it was different. She found herself opening the windows and inviting the cold inside the chambers of her home. Somehow, the dreary weather outside seemed to be aptly reflecting her gloomy mood. She had been living all by herself for many years. Yet this was the first time she felt completely alone. She stared at the decorated Christmas tree decked up in blue lights – it was a pretty sight but she wished she had someone else beside her to admire the view. There was a feeling of emptiness seated deep within her heart and she wished she knew how to fill up that void.

The sun had set and outside her window was that unimaginable and deserted vastness of night coming in. She put on her coat and stepped out of the house to take a walk, hoping she would be able to get rid of the loneliness monster that seemed to be hot on her trail.. She walked alone without the company of another person or any of the modern gadgets like her iPod or phone. She was armed with absolutely nothing to distract her from her thoughts.

As she trudged along, she became increasingly aware of her hatred for the cold. She hated the feel of the cold wind gushing up her skin. Her nose was vulnerably frozen and she could feel the hair standing up at the back of her neck. As she looked around, she realized, once again, that she was the only one present. No one else was in sight. Suddenly, hot tears started rolling down her cheeks. She could not believe herself. What was she crying for? A lost love or a love never lost? Or a love that never happened? She had no idea but she did not stop the tears from coming down. She was tired of fighting and she just let them flow. Suddenly, she felt engulfed by a huge sense of relief. Perhaps she wasn't as frigid as the world perceived her to be. Maybe, there was still hope for her. She found herself bursting with laughter at that thought and she let out a hearty chuckle.

It was still misty everywhere. Her vision was still blurred, on account of her tears and the fog, but somehow she had a clearer picture than before of the way things were. Winter was not as heartless as people described it to be – on a cold, wintry evening, she had finally found a part of herself that she thought was long lost. It was the best gift that she could have asked for! In the darkness, despite chances being bleak, she had managed to stumble upon her light. It was a Christmas miracle and it had come true!  

Speak Up Against The Section 377 Verdict!

Every day, the sun rises in the sky and fulfills its promise of bringing to me a beautiful, new day. Today morning, I was particularly excited. It was 11.12.13 – an iconic date even more special because today was the day when the Supreme Court verdict on Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code was coming out. Like many, I was hopeful that the verdict would validate the landmark Delhi High Court judgment of 2009 and the LGBT community would finally heave a sigh of relief amidst a lot of celebrations. What a fool I was!

I checked my Twitter account – a lot of tweets had already started to trickle and with each tweet that I read, my heart just sank deeper and deeper. The verdict was completely contrary to what I had hoped for. I was disappointed. I was angry. I couldn't believe that the Supreme Court had just stripped 2.5 million people off their basic rights to freedom and equality. They may be a minority in a country that boasts of having a population exceeding one billion but 2.5 million is not really a small number. Re-criminalizing homosexuality has just set the gay movement in India behind by several decades. It just didn't seem fair to me!

Thankfully, a lot of people echoed my sentiments. I was relieved to know that I was not the only one who was so outraged. What angered me immensely was some of the arguments that had been raised. I refuse to believe that decriminalizing homosexuality will increase cases of HIV and cancer. I also do not accept the argument that homosexuality is unnatural. It is definitely not a disease and for all those who think it is, they should read the latest manuals of the WHO or the APA.

One person asked me why I care so much about gay rights. I would like to point out that it is not a question of my sexual orientation. The question is about equality. What two consenting adults choose to do in the private space of their bedrooms should be nobody’s business. It is called “private” for a reason. It angers me to think that homosexuals are considered, according to the verdict, even bigger offenders than rapists – after all if you rape someone, you get sentenced to jail for seven years but if you are a homosexual, you can be imprisoned for life. Where is justice in this country? Why is someone being denied rights on the basis of their sexual orientation? By re-criminalizing homosexuality we are denying an entire community their identity.

If the Supreme Court believes that social acceptance is more important than legal acceptance, I would like to know what their take is on discrimination against rape-victims inflicted by society. The court may punish the offender but society still antagonizes the victim on several levels. Why are religious sentiments suddenly so important in a secular nation? Once upon a time, religion advocated evils like caste, sati and raised movements against education – why are we listening to these leaders? Choosing to see homosexuality as unnatural and a criminal offence will only encourage homosexuals to live a life of deceit as they will be too scared to come out of the closet. 

Section 377 was instituted by the British but, with changing times, Britain has not only legalized homosexuality but also gay marriages. Why are we, then, moving back in time? Besides, if one reads Section 377 closely, according to that, even oral sex between a man and a woman is illegal. Since when does the Parliament regulate acts in the bedroom?

We all have the right to love and live a life of dignity. Do not deny these basic human rights to the LGBT community. The verdict is definitely a major setback but the fight must still continue. I appeal to all those people reading this to speak up for the LGBT community and show your support. It does not matter if you are gay or straight. The more the number of voices that speak out, the more will be the pressure on the Parliament to take up this issue. Hopefully, justice will not be denied even though it has definitely been delayed.