It has never been difficult for me to press the 'Delete' button on
people I don't want in my life. I've said so many goodbyes that I don't even
remember all of them; but I think I'm still not prepared for this last one. I
need one where I shall be able to muster all the courage I have to say all that
I need to so that when I say I'm done, I will actually be able to truly let go.
In my experience, "equal" relationships are rare because in
every relationship (even friendship for that matter), there's always someone
who cares more or compromises more than the other person. I
remember of times when I was in relationships or friendships where everything
revolved around me. Those friendships gave me a strange sense of power - they
made me feel important. I was human and I made mistakes. There were times when
I didn't treat them right and denied giving them the love and respect they
deserved.
Our society works in a strange fashion. It's always "cool"
to seem disinterested. People who can hide their true feelings are actually considered
winners because they don't seem to care. If you are a person who cares more and
genuinely expresses your feelings, you are doomed to be branded as a
"loser".
Back in those days, I thought I had everything going. I was achieving
all my professional goals. I was always surrounded by people who would be
willing to kiss the ground on which I walked; and no, I am not exaggerating. I
seemed to have it all. But karma truly is a bitch for it works in
strange ways. I have no clue when or how the tables turned and I ended up
becoming the person who cares more. Currently, I seem to be surrounded by only
those people in my life who will let me down. No matter how much the other
person claims to care, I don't matter to them as much as they do to me; and no
matter what I do, it's never going to be enough for them to care for me the
same amount.
I know I am not being completely truthful when I say that I haven't
got a clue for I do know exactly when this started. The first time the inkling
of doubt popped up that X did not care for me the way I did, I was dismissive. But as that doubt started
creeping up more and more frequently, I actually started holding back. At that
time, I knew X would notice, bring it up and fix things. How naive of
me! X never noticed; or perhaps, and I am not sure which is worse, X noticed
and chose to do nothing about it. From that point on, I started holding back as
much as I could. We spoke less and met even more infrequently. The rare times
that we did meet, I never disclosed my discontent and though I was extremely
upset, I never showed it. But honestly, I felt let down. With time, the aloofness
between us has grown so much that even if we meet, we act no better than
strangers and the only appropriate reply to a simple question like "How
are you?" is "I'm fine, thank you." even though in reality,
nothing is "fine".
True love is unconditional but it is natural for expectations to
develop if one invests a lot of time and effort in a relationship. It hurts
when these expectations are dashed to the ground but no matter how wounded I
am, it is almost impossible for me to loathe X. Even though X made me unhappy
and contaminated my system with negative thoughts to an extent where I doubted
whether I was even deserving of love in the first place, X taught me a very
valuable lesson - that of treating others the way one wants to be treated.
Earlier, the Golden Rule,
"do unto others as you would have them do unto you," was just a line;
but now, I fully abide by it. I am now kinder, more patient and hopefully, less
narcissistic than before. I am more expressive and I don't need to resort to
ridicule anymore in order to show affection.
With time, I hope that my scars will heal. I will forever be thankful to
X for having taught me this lesson, but in my heart of hearts, I still wish I
could have learnt this lesson in another, slightly painless, way...
