Universal Dilemmas

The stars burned like the memories of brighter days, light years away from when I now drive past in my car. Do they represent a map of beautiful moments from my past or a future without? A dilemma perpetually stands before us in the guise of two roads not taken - a divaricate, bi-forked future, an only-seemingly simply choice that keeps us up days and nights. Do we let go of our pasts or hold on to it and make peace with the future? Or do we hold on to both with what is left of a thin string, frayed at both ends?

None of us have the capacity to wait in the anticipation. The stars have seen what is yet to happen and we cannot. These trials and tribulations in life make us and break us. We have no choice but to talk to the moon on our many solitary nights together, as we take the walk and pause before the roads in front of us and take none.

We live lives riddled with dilemmas, problems, and sorrow. And whom do we blame for these dilemmas that span space and time?
The Universe, right?
We blame the indefinable Universe. Could we ever possibly define the same? What really is the Universe, and what is Life?

What is the Universe but a swirling eddy of moments and people lost forever in the blink of an eye?
Gone.

What is the Universe but a vast sandbox surviving because of the entropy of dancing sand particles?
We’re dust to dust, them and us; chaotic, but in peace.

What is Life but an archaic spider-web perfectly spun in the riddled lace and taffeta of punch drunk love?

Oh, Life. It hangs on by a thin, thin thread, trying to stitch up the cuts that time made on its arms.

What is the Sunshine but a handprint on our hearts?
What is the Rain but these very crocheted hearts coming apart?

The thread lies not in the hands of the puppeteer, or maybe so. Break free. The loose ends of the life you spun are to be rewritten by you. We thread life up and reel it in.

What is a Story but a beautiful lie; a horrific truth; a beginning, middle and an end to the secret garden, stolen books, and arcane memories?
Volatile, yet liberating, eccentric, but a thrill like no other.

What is Nature but poetry in motion?

The lightning, in its very psychedelic nature, sets fire to the menacing thunderstorm and blossoms into the bloom of spring,

What is Luck but an unanswered wish for fortuitousness originating from the depths of our unfathomable minds?
Poor Luck - always blamed for us getting lost in this dazzling maze of life, building living graves for our hollowed out corpses.

What is the Universe but a treasure hunt for a treasure that’s already yours?
Peter Pan searched not-too-far; the ticking crocodile still awaits Captain Hook.

What is the Universe but sheer indefinable beauty in all its mosaic jigsaw puzzle glory?
It may be incomplete and broken, but it is beautiful and unimaginably perfect.

What is the Universe but You?

Bubbles

It’s been almost five years since I’m writing here, sharing random thoughts, emotions and feelings with the world that stops by this space from time to time. Maintaining a regular blog had always been on my bucket-list of life, and only lately have I realized the need to actually check items off this list. I am lucky to have had a wonderful life so far (touch wood!) – a loving family, amazing friends, lots of magical moments – but nothing really lasts forever. Life goes on, until it ends. But what comes between these two polarities depends entirely upon us…And that is my minimalistic approach to life. I’ve tried to make mine count so far. The rest of the journey is still a long, long walk to go.

And because we all have a bucket-list – a list of certain expectations that we hold of life – I intend on checking items off of mine, or maybe, writing a few more chapters. After all, your life is your story. You are the author. You are the author of this never-ending novel of love, adventure, fun and all that you want and more! (And the owner to a bucket full of soap-water!)

Life’s the bubble you need to blow. Blow your own bubbles, and pop them if you want. That sums up really what life is in my eyes…That sums up what my thoughts on life are – my thoughts are bubbles that don’t go *pop*.

There are so many bubbles like my thoughts – bubbles of happiness, regret, sadness, compassion, inspiration, etc. Maybe, we are all just bubbles ourselves. Bubbles that keep getting bigger and bigger, and inevitably, one day, go *pop*. The last couple of years are when I’ve really grown up though, to see the world as it is, and blow more bubbles. Bubbles can be more than just thoughts and feelings. Bubbles can be the happiest moments of your life – a sum total of all your happiest days – and it is because of these bubbles that you are still alive. A bubble can be a memory that cheers you up and reminds you of sunnier days. A brilliant-hued bubble reminds you of the rainbow beyond the rain and the dawn ahead of the dusk. These bubbles take you back to your childhood days when blowing bubbles was the supreme joy of life and blowing bubbles made a day your best day – made every day your best day! So, it is vital that we hold on to the bubbles of life, vital that we hold on to our thought bubbles and then enjoy the transcendence that follows.

What are these bubbles of life that make us smile?
Playing Uno with your brother. Petting dogs on the road. A good hair day. Someone saying that you look beautiful today. Music. Reading a book that you just cannot put down. Meeting your friend after the longest time and still feeling like you met yesterday. Raindrops. Telling your niece a bed-time story and even though she’s heard it a thousand times, she still has the same, curious moon-eyed expression on her face. Coffee after a long, tiring day. Your favourite song on repeat. Switching the television on and seeing that your favourite movie has just started. A bubble bath. Having 100% charge on your phone. Chocolate chip cookies. Pizza. Oh, these bubbles just never end!

And they never will…These are bubbles that never go pop. Because happiness never ends. Happiness is always around us. In forms that we don’t acknowledge and take for granted. A hug is happiness. A cup of hot chocolate is happiness. Happiness is always around us. And yes, so is sadness. But life is your bubble, and thoughts are your bubbles. So, it is your choice. You can choose happiness. You can choose joy. You can choose forgiveness. You can choose better instead of worse. You can choose love. Because you can make your own life. Life is your bubble. And if you don’t like your bubble, pop it. Start again. Blow another bubble.

Goodbye 2016!

It’s the last few days of the year. Goodbye, 2016. Finally, this year has come to an end – a year that was a total roller-coaster ride in terms of emotions, memories, and achievements. In hindsight, it was just like any other year I suppose. Some part of me is glad it’s coming to a close, a part of me is not (I mean what do I do if the coming year turns out to be worse than this one!). Excuse my cynicism, it’s a side-effect of ageing. To be honest, cynicism is nothing other than disappointed idealism; something I realized the other day when my best friend was trying to drill in my head that a few bad days do not account for an entire bad year. To be entirely honest, it has been a good year – a year full of lessons and clichéd inner awakenings that are again a part of the natural growing-up process.

It’s weird looking back at who I started 2016 with, and who I’m ending 2016 with…Who I was a year ago, and who I am right now. I am a much happier person today than I was at that moment. I may not have changed for the better, but I’ve definitely changed for good. I feel closer to my companions, I feel more at home than I’ve ever been. 2016 has been a whirlwind of change, yet I still feel centered. This brings me to what I wanted to talk about – change (what they say is the only constant in life!). We love it, we hate it, but in the end, we just have to deal with it because there is nothing else we can really do about it. People change, ideas change, situations change, and before you know it, the year ends and you are a completely different person – or, perhaps, as I’d like to believe, a newer, improved version of yourself.

Reality is subjective, but 2016 has made me aware, to some extent, of what is real and true; and as I’ve allowed myself to be awakened to my feeling of being, I realize that it was everything that I already knew. I am what I am trying to become and achieve. I do not become loving, I am love. I do not become sincere, I am sincerity, and so on. So yes, that’s it. The ocean persists, waves come and go. You are the entire ocean in a single drop and not a single drop in the ocean. Life happens. Moments come and go. Just seize every moment.

I’ve noticed people getting annoyed at my optimism. Few have managed to muster courage and ask why I am happy all the time. There are many who claim they can never imagine me being sad. I just feel that people fail to understand – I am not happy all the time, and I can be sad too – last year, was particularly hard for me, and there have been moments where I’ve been in the depths of despair. But, I feel that if there could be an accurate measurement – life would actually be finite suffering and infinite hope. For me, what I learnt in 2016 was that being negative is a sure-shot guarantee for ruining things. Being positive, on the other hand, might just make a difference…or it might not. But I am willing to take that risk. Hope…Hope is everything. If you haven’t found it, keep looking. I hope you will find what you are looking for, the coming year.

The most important lesson I have learnt in 2016 is that you should just seize the moment and tell people how important they are to you. Not because they could leave at any moment or because they could return to you, but because they matter and it’s worth saying something. Parting ways with people forever is easy, but when you find someone you want to keep around, you should do something about it. You get 31,536,000 seconds in a year. Have you used at least one of them to tell someone they mean a lot to you? I did in 2016.

I could go on and on and on. The memories and lessons, good or bad, have been countless and unforgettable. You survived. So did I. And now, we’ve stumbled onto another blank canvas. Paint a masterpiece. Write a bestselling novel. Contribute to humanity in any way you can. I’ve learnt a lot the past year, including the fact that you are only as insignificant and irrelevant s you convince yourself to be. It’s not wrong to be upset or sad or cynical as long as you can shake it off and let go. Letting go was a particularly difficult lesson to master for me, and it’s a lesson that still needs to be fully learnt. Another lesson – it’s not weak to be afraid or sad, it’s human; and actually a tiny reminder that you have something to lose, and gratitude is the way to go.

Take a breath and pause. Reflect on the year gone by. Hold precious memories close. Forgive. Let go. Believe in second chances. Love and be loved. That’s what New Year is all about. It’s time to make a new start and let go of the past– just take some moments to say that final good-bye. 

The Arrival

She could not believe her eyes as she saw the sight that lay in front of her. Finally, someone had tried flashing a torch and attempted to alleviate the darkness that had become a constant feature of her world. Suddenly, she felt as if her light had returned, and slitting the throats of her dumb tunnels, finally, she found her voice back, tearing through the vast emptiness of her long-neglected vocal cords.

Her beloved had finally come her way, and she found herself overcome with desire yet again. The yearnings brimmed inside her like the splattered paints on an artist’s palette that remind one of the uncontrollable and inconsolable passion he has for the colours he imagines in his mind. But wasn’t it now a little too late? Her branch of time hardly had any leaves left, and despite being so close to love, there was still no way for her to experience it to the fullest.

He understood her dilemma. He had been wandering for days with memories of her still lingering, and he knew that despite being away, he was still loved. He realized how, blinded by the chase to success, he had failed to sufficiently reciprocate the love that came his way.  He knew that he was late, but he had returned at last. He wished now for her to come to him, as with each kiss of hers, he fell asleep, and as she tried to overcome the trysts of life and death, he wished to wake up as she shone her light of dawn.

Time was definitely not on their side. There wasn’t enough time to listen to his small broken tales of camaraderie, but his return had finally pacified her lifelong frustration. No matter how late it was, no matter in which condition they both were, they were both together, they were both finally “home”. This final meeting seemed like a fun, topsy-turvy merry-go-round ride that completely overshadowed the tiny, dancing fireflies who stirred up fun, happy memories. The purpose of her life had been to meet her beloved, and once again, as she looked into his eyes, she saw herself, and realized that she had found her God. 

One life-time is never enough to accomplish all unattained desires. They still had to make several journeys together. But for now she knew, as she closed her eyes to rest, there was no next time.... 

The Call

It had been a long time since their last meeting. Every time, she missed him, she stared at the sky. After all, no matter where they were, they were all under the same sky; and they both fell asleep wishing under the same stars under the same sky they shared. People always told her that time is a wonderful healer, but she had seen how time had destroyed them – perhaps, it was too late for them to be able to salvage their situation. Time could heal, time could rip a person into pieces. But, time could not change the story. Ever since he had left, she found herself constantly swimming between two waves – the flood of letting in, and the torrent of letting go. Sometimes, she felt so frustrated that she thought it was time to just leave and turn to dust. If the essence of her life was leaving him, she wondered if she could just walk down the old path one last time, gather everything that she wanted and re-paint the entire road red. She missed the lazy evenings they spent together and wished she could just go back to simpler times. She knew there was still a chance – albeit a teeny tiny one – but she was not sure she wanted to take it. It required a lot of effort, and she wasn’t sure she could invest so much again. Besides, only a miracle could really save them, and she did not believe in miracles.

As he waited for his train to arrive, he remembered the first time he had met her. The swarm of people rushing to enter the train while she was attempting to get out had scared her. As soon as she saw him at the platform, she just rushed into his arms, and the world around seemed to have come to a stand-still. The way she’d held on to him made him feel incredible and uniquely warm. He wondered if she had ever been horrified the way she’d been that day. It isn’t everyone’s cup of tea to endure the journey on Mumbai local-trains during peak-hours, and that had been her first time. In that moment, all she’d needed was a whisper and a hug. He hadn’t quite known what to do, but on that day, she’d made it clear that trust had no faces, only promises, and her vulnerability had involuntarily made him promise that he would protect her. She was the first person from whom he learnt that the world deserves to be loved; even by broken people, like her and him. As he thought of her, he realized that what they shared was beautiful, even though it had been dead for some years. Had it really been that long, or it just felt that way because time only seemed to fly when she was by his side chattering away to glory? He realized that the night did not always need to be dark and cloudy; light always shone to drive the darkness away. After all, they lived on a blue planet that circled around a raging ball of fire, next to a moon that moved the sea – who was to say that miracles don’t happen?

The time had come for change. It was time to recover the good parts of their life. Happiness was now just a phone call away, and this time he did not hesitate as he pulled out his mobile-phone and dialled her number. 

The Twenty-Six Year Old Child

It was an orange scarf that hid in a corner of my cupboard and I never bothered giving it a second glance. I had never worn it, and would probably never use it, and so it lay tucked in its corner, bearing the burden of other clothes piled on top of it, almost forgotten. Until one fateful evening when my mother told me to give it away in order to clear some space. Despite the fact that it took her over half an hour to explain which scarf she was talking about, I put my foot down and refused to get rid of it. And so it stayed in my cupboard, and it still has never been used.

As I reflect on my behaviour, I know it is the kind that probably a four year old is more suited for, and I wonder what made me react in this strange possessive manner. It isn't just about the scarf but, in general, I am not someone who likes doing away with things. I have been this way since I was a child, and at twenty-six, I am not sure if I am any different.

I often wonder: do we really change with time? Do we actually grow up or are we the same people inside who would react to things the same way they'd do before if only they were given the space? As we start developing physically, our process of socialization ensures that we start reacting in ways that we are expected to, but do we really change as a person inside ourselves?

The process of growing up involves behaving in a way as expected by our peers, family members and significant others. So, we try hiding the green monster with a smile when we greet some people. We brush off our irresponsible side with finesse and each and every moment, we stand, all geared up to brave the big, fierce world. We try hard to fill the gap and be the person we are expected to be in order to match the image they have of us. But, somewhere inside, we still enjoy those small joys; we still like to do silly things; and some wishes that were once our dreams continue to haunt us.

Each one of us, according to me, is unique, and born with a different set of abilities, habits and desires. Rather than trying so hard to fit in with the rest, we should just own up to who we truly are and work towards achieving what we were born to do. If your first instinct as a child was to gather up some vessels and make music, chances are that it still is! Hence, this Children's Day, let us resolve to loosen up a bit, and be the person our inner voice has been screaming out to be. After all, we don't really "grow up", we just learn to hide ourselves better.

Happy Children's Day Everyone! Let Us Always Remember To Celebrate The Child In Each One Of Us!

The Understanding

It was a crowded day at the mall. Two friends mercifully managed to get off work early in order to catch up.
"I couldn't wait to see you!" she exclaimed. "He finally proposed!"
"Oh, that's wonderful!" came the squeaky high-pitched response.
Both friends embraced each other - one to share her happiness, and the other to mask her state of confusion...

They chattered endlessly while eating dinner. In between bites, the friend spread out a piece of paper and scribbled earnestly. Lots of plans needed to be made. Apparently, an entire childhood had not been enough to fantasize about the dream wedding. The friend continued jotting down finer details of the wedding-dress and the guest-list. She drew out a neat timeline of the tentative flow of events. It gave her some sort of stability and comfort knowing that there was something solid and familiar amidst all the haphazard chaos.

Indeed, the amount of chaos in her mind was tremendous! She was still trying to process all the information. Everything was happening too soon and she could feel the wall that she had built around herself crumbling. From a distance, one could see two friends excitedly talking about the future. Only she knew the true reason behind her incessant babble. She knew if her mouth failed to do its job, her eyes would give away what she was so desperately trying to conceal.

She had always been the spare wheel. Time after time, she had seen her friends jump from one relationship to another until they had finally settled upon 'the one'. She had been with them in all their adversities, nursing them through rejections and break-ups, assuring them that things would be all right. And in the end, things had always fallen into place. Well, for them. Once they had settled in their newly-found haven, they conveniently left her behind.

She had never felt completely isolated for she was approachable and it was easy making new friends. Yet, she missed those who had let her go. Building relationships took time and it wasn't fair to have to build a new one all the time from scratch. Was she so easy to forget, she often wondered to herself. Why was she always just a filler? Surely, her existence had more meaning.

As she reflected on her past friendships, she realized no one had been by her side when her heart got broken. No one cleared their schedule to make time for her even during emergencies while she had always been just a phone call away. Perhaps, she was the problem. Not they. Perhaps, no one would give her a lot of importance until she started prioritizing herself.

Suddenly, she saw her friend staring at her.
"Penny for your thoughts?" remarked the friend. "Where have you drifted?"
"Nothing," she simply shrugged. "I was just thinking of work," she said. "Something funny had happened..."
"Oh, I will hear about that later!" dismissed her friend.
She knew this was the moment. It was up to her to seize it. "No," she snapped. "I would like to talk about it now because 'later' never comes. I am very happy for you. I genuinely am! But have you realized that in this entire while, not once have you asked me how I'm doing? Would you not like to know what is going on at my end?"
Her friend was surprised. Nevertheless, she decided to humour her. "Sure, tell me. Did someone ask you out?"  

The dismissive tone hurt. She realized that she could not expect to be treated the way she desired from her friend. It was her fault, she acknowledged, but there was no point in beating herself over it. It was time to rectify the mistake she had been committing for so many years. She had to respect herself in order to get that respect from others.

"I just remembered that I need to be somewhere," she said. "Sorry, but I really need to go."

She picked up her bag, dished her share of the bill on the table and walked out without looking back even once. She knew she was leaving behind a rather perplexed friend, but her heart skipped with glee at the realization that she was also leaving behind her old inhibited self. The tables were turned and from that moment onward, everything would revolve not around the others but around her and her needs. She had embarked on a new journey and once again, life would become beautiful!

The Meeting

Note: This entry is a sequel to a former entry "With...Without...". Do re-visit the post if you wish.

Morning arrived the way it always did. She pressed the 'snooze' button and hoped to catch an extra ten minutes of sleep. It had been more than two days since she had gone to work. She could not be absent yet another day. What would she say? She wasn't allowed to call in to work depressed. Mustering all her strength, she dragged her feet out of bed and into the bathroom.

As she stared at her reflection in the mirror while brushing her teeth, she noticed how she seemed to have aged. She noticed her wrinkles and dark spots and wondered if she should try getting her hands on the popular anti-ageing cream she remembering seeing in an advertisement. Chuckling at that thought, she said out loud, "You are too old to be influenced by advertisements! Get a grip of yourself!" The reflection glared back at her. In each other's reflections, they just became uglier.

Work was mundane, as usual. She managed to wrap her work on time, and headed for the bridge overlooking the river...the spot where they had last met. She hadn't visited that place in a while. It looked deserted and forlorn. No one seemed to have come there in quite some time. Weeds were overgrown and the benches were covered with dry leaves of the autumn. She dusted a spot and made herself as comfortable as was possible.

Life had not been easy since he had gone, she reflected. She knew she had built a huge wall around herself which no one was able to break and enter. She had ignored every phone call she possibly could from her social circle of friends, because even though they had been calling the right number, she was no more the person they were looking for. Without him, she was not her old self anymore.

He crossed familiar hills and jaded pathways on his way back. No road was new to him - he had travelled through them all. Yet he seemed to be lost. Was it possible to be lost on the same path one was walking? Was retracing steps a good idea? It had to be! Even if he was lost, he was still walking down his own path - and surely only that could lead him to his destiny. Perhaps, being lost could be holy as well. It gave him time not only to find a completely new life in the cracks, but also to rediscover the old life and see it from a completely new perspective.

He had begun his walk a long time ago and he had no idea when he became utterly lost. He just hoped, as he walked down the recognizable path, his beloved would find him.

Both could not believe the sight that greeted their eye. She saw his silhouette at a distance, and gasped as the figure approached nearer and nearer in view. He had grown a beard and he looked scraggly, but his eyes still had that merry twinkle that always made her go weak at the knee. He stared at her and couldn't believe his eyes! She still looked beautiful. Just the way he remembered her.

"I can't believe you are really here!" she screamed.
"Neither can I," he winked.
"So, is it love, or is it a habit?" she mused.
"I think it's a good habit! One that I'd like to keep," he answered cheekily.

She still found it hard to believe he was back. Was his quest over? "So, you found God finally?" she managed to ask.
"Ah, no! God found me," he said and stared at her intently.
"...And I trust Him more not to leave," she finished his thought, and put an end to all possible dialogue by sealing his lips with a much-awaited kiss and enveloping herself in his arms for a much-needed embrace.

Of New Beginnings and Ends...

It's that time of the year again when everyone is talking about new beginnings. But how do you begin a new chapter when you haven't ended the previous one? Can you just skip ahead without any real closure? I know I can't.

I find it very difficult to say good-byes. I wonder what I would tell you before we parted again. Would I just shake your hand and watch you walk away, without looking back even once at me as I stand seething in pits of bitter unrequited love, or would I actually open my mouth and let those years of bottled up feelings flow?

Some partings are well-made but one reason why I have never learned to say good-bye to you is because you seem to hang on in almost all of my moments. Even if we don't speak for weeks, each morning when I open my eyes, I feel your presence - or rather it is the awareness of your absence that stirs me from my slumber. Even at night, while I am asleep, you do not leave me alone; you creep into the crevices of my dreams. It's been so long; yet I don't know why you still hold such a special place in my heart.

There was a point in time when I finally decided it was time to forget you. I had to let you go. That pursuit made me search for fragments of your being in the people around me. When I realized it was impossible to recreate something that had felt so perfect, I tried redefining perfection. Alas, I horribly failed! I tried again, and then again, but each time, I failed even more.

Everyone's life has a story but you were the first person who was actually interested in reading my tale. You helped me discover myself; and, in your own simple way, showed me what it truly meant to feel cared for. You helped me become a better person. No matter how corny it sounds, you are the reason why I smile, laugh and believe in unconditional love.

Every lovely thing has an ugly side and, unfortunately, things were no different in our case. You shattered me. I single-handedly picked up the shards of my broken self and tried to fix myself. With a little help, I was restored to my previous state; but now that I had experienced what it felt like to be loved and looked after, it became difficult for me to cope. I became distrustful and swore that I would never rely on one person again. You taught me a valuable lesson on the importance of self-reliance but I still haven't mastered the lesson completely. One day, however, I hope to get to a place where I will not depend on anyone but myself for my happiness. Someday, I hope to emerge a stronger and more independent version of me.

But does that mean that I should just say good-bye and let you slip from my hands? Each time this question pops in my head, my inner voice screams "NO" because you felt (and still feel) like you're the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

It's the end of this year but I know I am still holding on to you. The next time we meet and it's time for us to say good-bye, I shall do so - I do not know yet if it will be a permanent one or temporary but I shall hold on to the illusion that our next meeting is just around the corner; and comfort myself with the belief that our story will never really have to come to a real ending.

The Desert

Her crest-fallen face was enough to tell people that things had not ended well. They kept their curiosity in check, respecting her silence over that matter. Several nights passed and she still wore that same dejected expression.

Days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months. They declared that the time had come for her to move on but how could she when she did not know how to? She was so different from her favourite poet, Neruda, who grandly proclaimed "if little by little you stop loving me/I shall stop loving you little by little. If suddenly you forget me/do not look for me/for I shall already have forgotten you."

She did not want to move on from him because she still loved him and she did not know how not to.

 When she had met him the very first time, she had felt that she ought to keep a safe distance from him. He was very different from the rest of the people around her. He accepted her just the way she was finding perfection in all her imperfections and he forced her to observe everything, within and without, in a new light. She had thought that she would be able to navigate her way through this beautiful storm but, only now, she realized that it was too late.

Even when there had been people surrounding her, she had always felt lonely. Like a barren desert, she remained not inviting another soul into her world. He had come into her life like a ravenous sandstorm and swept her away from her barren existence into the comforts of civilization. She started opening up to people, not even hesitating before interacting with strangers. Life had never been more beautiful.

But now he was gone and no matter how hard she tried, she just could not forget him. Honestly, she wasn't even sure if she was trying hard enough. Forgetting him would mean forgetting her own self for she never saw herself separate from him. And even if she got rid of all those memories, could she really go back to being her old self? What was her old self like? She had no recollection of it. That part of her was lost forever...

She felt empty. Her soul was barren again. The vastness of the desert scared her. Everything looked too far away, even the cloudless sky. She could hide nowhere in such emptiness. She kept hoping to see a falling star - it was her one chance of making her wish come true.

Alas! There were no stars in the clear sky save one and that star twinkled brightly in the sky, indicating it had no intention of falling.

He was like that stubborn star in the sky, always gleaming even when she had no desire to see the path that lay ahead. His absence in her life was as powerful as his presence. Just like the light from a scorching sun that burns the sandy desert, his absence fuelled her to move ahead to newer roads, newer avenues. Unfortunately, no matter where she went, she still remained the way she was. What was missing never changed. She knew she was still beautiful but she was empty. No one could die for her. All the places she went to were different but she was still the same, incomplete soul. She was still the parched, arid desert that craved for rain to fall.

Voids And Discoveries

He turned around to look at her one last time before he proceeded through the departure gates to board his flight. He wished she had accompanied him on his journey but their paths were completely divergent. He was travelling to his future - a land of many promises. Even though he had never gone there before, he was sure everything would be bright and beautiful for he was going to a place that had infinite potential.

She had chosen to stay behind. She considered the past to be a shrine that needed to be preserved. Reliable and unchanging, it provided her with an insight  to the beginning of everything as it gave her a sense of centre and stability.

As she watched him go, she had a sudden urge to leave her familiar path, catch his hand and travel his journey. It was not as if the thought hadn't occurred to her before. But each time she pondered over the matter, she realized that it wasn't the right thing to do for it would forever create a dent in her soul.

He had left his lover behind to completely submit himself to the quest of self-discovery even if it meant conversing with every piece of stone and pebble that created a dent under his sole.

As she walked back home, she hated to admit to herself that she was actually not feeling miserable. Even though he was gone, she did not really feel that she was missing anything in her life.

He cared for her a lot but he knew he could not be in love always. His life had always felt complete until she came along and made him realize what he had been missing all this time. Like a mirror, she reflected what was absent rather than what was present and helped him see the void in his soul -a void he had always resisted seeing. It was ironic that the one who had shown him the mirror of his soul and motivated him to step out of his zone of comfort could not leave her stability-zone behind and venture out to search for her missing pieces.

She stopped at a fountain and sat looking at the flow of water, coming from within and flowing outward. She felt it was metaphorical. By choosing to not walk the same path as he, she was kind of going through the same process of going within, digging inside so much that she ended up drooling out the same things repeatedly; only sometimes discovering some wisdom that kept her in the space of a momentary euphoric moment. She had no control over it and it always left her in a void; making her wonder what just happened and what was all that wisdom about. So far, the only discovery she had made was that she needed to feel someone caressing her body so that her soul would feel that it was alright to find nothing on the path that she had chosen to walk.

Tears welled up in her eyes as she, once again, felt she should have travelled with him. It would help her overcome her grief of not finding any wisdom and the joy of the many voids which were present on her journey.

He knew she would not have regretted her decision of walking down his road. He would have taken her to the beach where they would have sat together and watched the sea move. The waves that were unnoticeable from a distance would slowly appear as a slight bump until they got bigger and bigger as they came closer. When almost at the shore, the wave would look gigantic and crash with enormous power, and then soothe. He was sure that she would have liked watching this sight - it represented both of them going in and out of each other's heart, sometimes discovering something profound and sometimes just encountering a void. He felt, almost relieved, that he had left his old ways - somehow love felt like a drug that made one enjoy experiencing the same thing over and over again - he was glad he had overcome this addiction and discovered his zeal to travel on a path to a new existence.

No matter which path each had chosen, deep inside, both felt somewhat incomplete. Both had lost something which they wished they could get back. Both of them still continued to walk down their different paths, experiencing the same alternating incidents of voids and discoveries on their respective journeys. Hopefully, they would meet at a water-body someday.

With...Without...

It was late evening when she returned home from work. There were a few messages on her answering machine - some feeble attempts on the part of her handful of friends to get her to socialize. The truth was, more and more so lately, she found herself looking for excuses to be alone. She had dreaded the dull feeling of loneliness almost all her life but now it seemed to penetrate through every tissue, every cell in her body. Strangely, she did not find it that bad.

However, on this particular night, she felt extremely abandoned. Alone in her room, she kept feeling that the whole universe existed someplace else. She looked around and felt the emptiness of her space. It felt as if she was digging her own grave inside her and would die before she finished the process of burying herself. Desperate to catch a whiff of fresh air, she went to the terrace and stared at the sky.

There was a star right in front of her; twinkling yet alone. Slowly, as she continued staring into the night sky, several other stars showed up, far away from each other.

"Though apart, we are all stars belonging to the same sky," she thought, silently thanking the stars for the message they had unknowingly conveyed.

She allowed her mind to journey to the last time they had met. "When you travel, what is it that you seek?" she had asked him.
"I don't know," he said.
"Then how will you find it?" she questioned.
"Piece by piece," he replied matter-of-factly.
"How will you know that you have found all the pieces?" she teased. "The world is quite big, you know."
He appeared unperturbed. "I will know when I feel like the way I feel around you," came his reply.
"Which is," she urged him to continue though she could already feel both a flutter as well as a knot in her stomach.
"Complete," he said and then became suddenly silent.
"And what if I am what you are looking for?" she asked though she knew that now she was beginning to tread on broken glass pieces.
"Then I'll come back to you and never leave," he replied.
She should have been ecstatic on hearing his response yet she felt her shoulders tightening. She found herself saying, "Well then, I hope you never find me again."
"Why's that?" he asked, in a somewhat surprised tone.
"Because we both know that the day you stop exploring is the day you die. And with you, I."
He suddenly broke into one of his rare smiles. He pulled her cheeks fondly and remarked, "Since when did you start sounding all grown-up?"
"I travel with you too, you know...even if in spirit," she chirped. "Now go, I can hear the highways calling out your name. Ride safe!"
"I will," he promised.

Good-byes had never been easy for her but somehow letting him go hadn't been as difficult as she had imagined. Perhaps, it was because she still felt connected to him at soul-level. He was probably miles away from her but she still felt that her heart beat to the rhythm of his tunes.

But these days, she felt that she was gradually falling off from love. She wasn't moving away from it, of that she was sure, but lately, she missed being loved by him and felt no one loved her as much as he had. There were days when this feeling was so intense that she almost convinced herself to seek love from anywhere because she foolishly believed, in those moments, that everyone apart from her had so much love in their lives. Even though that feeling lasted only a few seconds, its residue continued to persist between her chest making her jump to the false conclusion that she was having a heart attack.

All of a sudden, she stumbled into a zone where she found herself untouched by the very existence of love. She felt irritated by this feeling because she knew that love flowed through every creation, through every damn molecule on this planet. Then, why was she so out of touch with this feeling? Why was she in this zone? Whatever the reason, she fervently wished she could get out of it. She did not feel unloved - she just missed being loved. Why had the rains stopped abruptly leaving her to muddle with the heat because of their absence when they should have been ruling the ground and making the mud feel orgasmic?

She really missed him and she wished he was there by her side, stroking her hair, watching her as she fell asleep. Thankfully, his thoughts had not left her presence. With thoughts of him, she entered into a world of slumber hoping to run into him in her dreams. Indeed, in the land of dreams, he awaited her arrival.
"I miss you," she complained to him. "I can't deal with this any longer. I am going to go away soon, far away, in the land where nothing exists."
He laughed, "Then, my love, your path to it is through the lanes of my heart. Believe me, without you, nothing exists."
"Do you miss me?" she asked.
"You're not really away," he said, caressing her. "When everything is silent inside me, I find Gods singing hymns through my breaths. And, my love; in my breaths, I find your music."
She smiled at him.
"If you loved me so much, why did you let me go?" he asked. "If you had asked me to stay, you knew I would."
"The most beautiful thing is when love gives you freedom," she replied.
"And when is that?" he asked.
"When you give yourself freedom to love," she said.
"Don't worry, my love," he said. "I think it is time for me to continue my journeys with you. I'll be coming soon. I hope you will wait for me."
"I will," she promised. "Come soon."

It was still dark outside but he decided that he had had enough rest for the night. In fact, he felt that he had had enough of everything. Earlier, he found it easy to simply wander for days without reaching any destination but these days, he felt as if the destination he was going to never existed. He had, in fact, left his destination behind. As this realization dawned, he felt as if a heavy load had been lifted from his heart. The journey had been eventful and he had no regrets but it was now time to return to the path from which he had digressed. Returning was not going to be an easy step but the thought of her filled him with feelings of calmness, tranquility and peace and he was determined to walk steadfastly ahead in the direction of his new-chosen path.

At the crack of dawn, he marched forward, fully awakened by the shining sun. In her sleep, she turned, with a big smile pasted on her face.

Morning would soon arrive, fulfilling its promise of a chance for new beginnings.

Mirrors

Alina rose out of bed to a glorious, bright, sunny morning. Her chirpy voice wonderfully complemented the free-spiritedness of the fresh summer breeze.
Adriana squeezed her eyes shut and crawled back into her sheets to stop the rays of light from blinding her. Dragging herself out of bed was always a task. What would she not give for an extra five minutes of precious sleep!

Every morning was an opportunity to embrace all the new things the Almighty bestowed upon her, according to Alina. She happily cinched through the day, trying to learn as much as she could, generously sparing smiles to all those who passed her way. "Life is beautiful! There are so many things to be thankful for!" reflected Alina as she looked at her world in wonder. At a distance, she noticed an old woman standing at the railway platform, looking for assistance to board the train. People were in a hurry to get to work but Alina was glad to see the lady getting the help she needed from quite a few kind souls. "It's good to see that the world is still filled with helpful people," she thought.
The morning was rough for Adriana. She struggled through the day, wishing fervently for it to end as soon as possible. She was irked at how slowly time passed by as she kept looking at her watch every few minutes. As soon as her shift ended, Adriana ran out of office in the same way as a trapped bird flies out of its cage at the slightest opportunity it gets. She noticed that her colleague had dropped some of his files but she decided to ignore him and walk past instead of staying behind to help.

Suddenly, without any warning, it started pouring cats and dogs. Alina stared at the street-children sailing paper-boats in the rain and dancing joyously. She stopped work for the day and joined them in their merry-making. The rains made her feel alive! It made everything even more wonderful! After a little bit of fun, she made her way back home, oblivious to the hardships that the rain caused many people to face. After all, a wet person is not afraid of rains.
Adriana frowned at the rain.  It was such a hassle! Roads were blocked and the cars were just dirtying her clothes by splashing muddy water all over when they passed by. "How can any sensible person enjoy the rains!"she wondered. The flooded roads made it impossible for her to walk home and there was no cab in sight. Untrusting by nature, she contemplated whether she should ask for a lift from one of the vehicles that rushed past and finally decided against it. "These days, no one helps anyone. I'll just be wasting my time," she speculated and sat at a deserted bus-stop praying for the rains to stop. Finally, after what seemed like eternity, it stopped pouring and tired and exhausted, Adriana returned to her abode.

"Today was so much fun!" marvelled Alina as she tucked herself in bed. Before falling off to sleep, she said a small prayer and thanked the Universe for all the blessings it had showered her way. Her eyes shut the moment her head hit the pillow. Alina never had any trouble falling asleep just like she had no issues getting up in the morning. According to her, the faster she slept, the sooner morning would arrive and present before her fresh opportunities for new beginnings.
"What an awful day!" thought Adriana as she climbed back to bed. Her body ached and she let out a groan. "I should be glad it's over but what's the point? Tomorrow, it will be a new battle all over again!" With these thoughts, she finally drifted off to sleep, hoping the few hours of slumber would be enough to help her survive yet another day of her cursed existence.

Both did not realize that life was neither a blessing nor a curse. Life was just mirroring them. Everyone they met and everything they experienced were simply mirrors that reflected parts of their own consciousness back to them, giving them a chance to really see themselves and to, ultimately, help them grow. The qualities they most admired in others were actually their own and the same could be said for the qualities of others that they disliked.

Life looked at itself through Alina's mirror and felt peaceful and content.
It then took a peek at itself through Adriana's mirror and looked disdained and lost.
What would Life look like if it looked at your mirror?

Clutter

She wasn't a sloppy person by nature yet it would be safe to assume that her house wasn't the tidiest place on earth. Stacks of newspaper lay forgotten in a corner until they transformed into a mountain-pile ready to topple. Her bedroom, more often than not, accommodated washed, creased clothes in dire need of being ironed and placed back in overflowing cupboards. She had never really been a hoarder but suddenly it seemed that her home was crammed with stuff she did not need; and for some strange reason, she did not have the heart to discard so many things at one go!

Messy places had never really bothered her so she settled quite happily amidst the clutter. She was so engrossed in sorting out the jumbled pieces of other people's lives that she had no time to clean her physical space.

The morning started like any other morning. She woke up, dragged herself out of bed, got ready, boarded the train to work and spent the train-journey chatting on the phone with her friend. There was nothing extraordinary about this day - at least not until she finally arrived at work and sat at her desk. She dove into her bag to fish out her locker-key when the horrible realization dawned on her that it wasn't there! Not one to easily panic, she found herself frantically emptying out the contents of her bag, desperate to find it. It did not take her long to realize that it wasn't there. She calmed herself down, took a few deep breaths and told herself to relax. "I must have left it at home," she thought and resumed work. But no matter how hard she tried, she could not ignore the deep sinking feeling that had set in her heart. Something told her that she wouldn't find it but, as was her norm, she neglected that tiny voice and went about her day as if nothing had happened.

When she returned home, her worst fear had come true - the key was indeed missing. She looked in every possible place but it just could not be found. She was quite a scatter-brain from time to time but her things had a habit of turning up every now and then. Not usually a worrier, she was rather surprised to find tears filling her eyes. It was just a key! Why was she so distressed?

She thought about distracting herself by going out for a drink and immediately made plans with a friend she hadn't caught up with in a really long time. However, as the time for her to venture out of her house dawned near, she felt her feet getting heavy as if indicating that they just did not want to move. Not one to ever back out last minute of a plan she had herself made, she surprised herself by cancelling on her friend and staying indoors. Finally, home alone, she sat down and decided to spend an evening catching up with the most important person in her life - her own self.

It had been ages since she had even thought about herself. Her life had become a mundane routine as she busied herself with work. She had never been such a person! She loved her job but for the first time she wondered if work was just a diversion to distract herself from the painful memories of tomorrows that never came. Even though she hated admitting it, she knew she wasn't really upset about losing the key - true, she was always a perfectionist when it came to work and while she did have a reputation to maintain of never misplacing her things at work, she knew what truly bothered her was losing the key-chain to which the key had been attached...

She had no idea of the significance of that particular, inexpensive key-chain until she had lost it...That particular key-chain stood as a symbol of simpler times in her life, of a time when she had felt blessed with happiness and abundance. Not having it suddenly made her conscious of the emptiness that had engulfed her world. She suddenly started howling and shedding a flood of tears. For some reason, the tears kept coming and would not stop. She had never felt more aware of her robotic existence than at that very moment. After a while, her tears dried. She calmed herself and realized that despite the disconcert she actually was relieved - she had finally experienced an emotion so deeply after a really long time. She had been so busy protecting herself from feelings of hurt that, in the process, without realizing, she had invariably ended up shutting herself from feeling any emotion at all.

She looked at her house and felt disgusted, almost repulsed. She finally understood what she had been doing in the past few months. Not one to dawdle, she immediately set to work. She opened her cupboard and donated her discarded clothes to a homeless shelter in order to make room for the pile of clothes that lay on her bed. She cleaned the floors, sweeping away even the dust that lay forgotten beneath the carpets. She recycled and disposed all the old things for which she had no use. She did not need clutter in her physical space to compensate for the void that was present in her mental state.

Her house was not spic and span but it was definitely tidier than before. The key was yet to turn up and while she hoped with all her heart that it would, she knew she would be alright even if it didn't. While precious, old memories are always fun to cherish, it is more important to make room for building new ones that we may want to treasure.

A Letter To My Girl-Friend

Friendship is a story that chances a beginning each time two strangers interact and click with each other. Our tale is not like those. We started chatting, we met, but we never really ended up becoming "good friends". You were busy with whatever was happening in your life and I had different priorities in mine. And then, on that fated night, you called. I don't think even you knew back then that that phone conversation would change a lot of equations in our life! We were up the whole night, talking on the phone, and since then - we haven't stopped!

You are the one person who knows most of my secrets - the only one who knows all my fears, my desires, the one I trust to keep all my secrets safe - and I know all my secrets are safe with you. I have no inhibitions even sharing those thoughts with you that might make others label me as, perhaps, weird. You may not be non-judgmental at all times but it's alright - sometimes, I need to hear the truth, no matter how hard it may seem. You are someone with whom I can gossip for hours and I love the fact that you listen to me even when I am telling you about people who you do not know at all.

Life is not a bed of roses and our relationship has never been free of thorns. There are times when I have felt that we are growing apart. I have rationalized that it isn't anybody's fault and we are just different people headed in different directions.  But then something happens at work and I start to laugh. My colleagues look at me and wonder what's wrong. At that time, I miss you because I know you would know why I was laughing and join me! With the passage of time, we have so many inside jokes that our friendship has developed a secret code of its own - sometimes we can simply look at each other, not say a word, and just start cracking up leaving those watching us perplexed and miffed. Even when I am not with you, there are times when I see something and immediately think of you. It is a reflex action to just dial your name on my phone and tell you all about my day - not many things register as actual experiences unless I have shared them with you.

Changes can be rough. With you by my side, I believe I might be able to survive all the major changes that life will throw my way and I promise to always hold your hand and walk by  your side when life is being a rocky ride for you. After all, friendship is all about being there for your friend - so whether you need my help while you are nursing a broken heart or whether you need me to take care of you while you've returned home drunk, I shall do the needful because I know you would do the same for me.

I have always been a social butterfly but there are very few people who are included in my innermost circle of friends. You are, probably, the only girl in that intimate circle - If today I believe that every girl needs a girl-friend by her side, it is only because of your presence in my life. I love the way we finish each other's sentences and know how the other one is feeling by a simple glance at her face. Our friendship has been put to test quite a few times but each time, it has survived because neither of us is ready to give up on the other person and on the bond that we share.  Thank you for being such an integral part of my life. I genuinely hope that we shall be friends till the end!

An Ode To Best Friends

"My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me."

- Henry Ford

We all need friends to get on with life. So, if you are among the fortunate few who have been blessed with a special friend, hold on to that person and do not let them go. Love your best friend more than you love a lazy Sunday morning with breakfast in bed. Love them the way you love yourself and even more than your current romantic interest.

Love your best friend because they know everything about you and love you nonetheless. They know when you've had a lousy day judging by just your monosyllabic responses to text messages and they know how to put you in a better mood. They know what you really mean when you say "I'm fine" and they have their ways of actually getting the truth out of you. Love your best friend because they know all your secrets. They know the number of beats your heart is skipping despite your so-called successful attempt at maintaining a straight face and calm demeanor.

Love your best friend because without them, you probably wouldn't be the person you are. Life has its knack of giving you bad times mixed with the good and you and your best friend would have been through a lot together. Your best friend cheered louder than you when you got your first job. Every time your heart broke, they were there to glue the shattered pieces back together.

Love your best friend even when you are mad at them. Love them even if you want to hate them for cancelling plans last minute or for not spending enough time with you. Instead of cheering you up, even if they made you more miserable, love them anyway for you cannot imagine your life without them. After all, they are also human and they can be allowed to make some mistakes. And if they are your best friend, they will obviously fix their goof-up later.

It's not enough to just love them. You must tell them that you love them! Even when the two of you have had a fight, tell them you love them so that they know the extent to which they are valued in your life. It isn't easy but sometimes the relationship is more important than what's right and wrong. Love them even if they never say it back to you. Expression is not always their strongest cup of tea.

Thank your best friend. Thank them for tolerating you despite your extreme mood-swings. Thank them for bearing with you when you've been exceptionally quiet and distracted. Thank them for supporting you and abiding by your rules even when you have been unreasonable. Thank them for being themselves around you and thank them for believing in the best of you. It is because of them that you have learnt so much about  yourself. Thank them not just for being there for you but for also loving you just as much.

Unspoken Words

He gazed at her in wonder as she scrunched her eyes, bursting into a fit of giggles. He was in awe of her ability to find humour in the toughest of situations. She caught him staring and suppressed her laughter.
"What are you thinking?" she demanded to know.
"Nothing," he said dismissively.
"Come on," she prodded. "There is something going on inside your head. I can see it on your face. Tell me what is it. Spill the beans!"
She could see a faint smile on his face that vanished almost as suddenly as it had appeared.
"It's impossible to hide anything from you!" he complained. "Let it go. It wasn't important."

She sighed. He never told her anything. In his defense, he felt the same way about her. She was unusually quiet these days. However, there was a big difference even in their respective silences. He never said anything despite her incessant questioning. He did not like having talks on trivial matters. She never spoke because he never really asked her anything. He believed if something was important, she would tell him on her own. Asking questions was too much of a hassle; especially because she had a knack for navigating her way around questions she did not want to answer.

He looked at her as she silently sipped her cup of coffee. She still looked as lovely as she did seven years ago. But the signs of transformation were clearly visible even to him, who, according to her, never paid attention to anything. He could see that her bright, sparkling eyes had lost their luster; her previously beaming face now looked crestfallen and her dazzling smile that at one point of time had lighted up many hearts now appeared broken and never reached her eyes.

He wondered if they had made the right decision. The picture no more looked perfect. Life was jumbled and both of them seemed to just be pecking on to live. Letting go of her was not easy for him. From the moment he had laid his eyes on her, he had found his world changing - it was as if the the earth inside him shifted as per the beats of her heart which had become its new gravity. Only good things had come his way since she had stepped into his life. He wished he could say the same for her. He did not know what she had gained by giving  up the comforts of her familiar world only to be with him. He knew he wanted her for his own selfish interests. He was not sure if he loved her - true love was supposed to be selfless, wasn't it?

She stared at him as he was lost in his world of thought. Judging by his expression, she knew he was once again occupying the room of doubt. She wished he could give up his obsession with perfection. They had been together since the last seven years. She had never cared for a person as much as she did for him. Just the thought of him was enough to generate a smile on her face. Yet she did not know if she loved him. She had read about love in novels and seen it in movies but she did not know if it existed in the real world. She was not sure if she would be living with him had she known what love truly was. Love, according to her, belonged to some unknown territory, of which she was no inhabitant. Love was free to go on its own journey - it could choose to settle down or roam around like a nomad. She had no intention of following the trail made by love. That was not why she had left her world behind.  She had done so not for love but for him - she belonged in his space and would only walk beside him on whatever path he chose for himself.

It did not seem to matter that these conversations always took place inside their heads. To each other, they said not a word yet everything that was there in their hearts was seemingly understood. He instinctively reached for her hand and clasped it tightly into his. She smiled and rested her head on his shoulders. Life was filled with challenges and presented new opportunities, each day, for them to question themselves and their choices. Right now, they had won this battle. But it was not the end for they still had miles to go before they reached the destination that was still unknown to them...

The Glass Slipper

It wasn't time to leave yet he chose that moment to say 'Good Bye'. With a heavy heart, she watched him getting up from his seat and walking away. Her mouth opened and she raised her hand in  a motion to call out to him but no sound came. Her extremely feeble attempt to stop him had also failed.  He walked away and she bravely battled her tears in case he glanced back in her direction but he did not look back even once.

It wasn't time to leave as there were so many unanswered questions. She still had so many things to say to him. Oh God! Why was she always tongue-tied in his presence? Why were their conversations always incomplete?

There was still time before she needed to return yet she found herself on a bus homeward bound. It would be a long ride home. After all, she had come all the way to the other side of town just to catch up with him over a cup of coffee. And conversations they had had on topics ranging from books, movies, philosophy to current affairs. Not once did he express any interest in knowing the happenings of her life and though she had attempted to bring up certain issues, his nonchalance forced them to stay inwards. She wanted to just pick up her phone, dial his number and scream at him. She took a few deep breaths as a last piece of struggle to remain calm. She decided to not think about it and tried diverting her attention to other things. Unfortunately, the sight on the road jam-packed with cars was not a pleasant view to admire. She looked inside the bus and suddenly, a sight of the mother and daughter sitting in the seat in front grabbed her attention.

The mother was narrating the story of Cinderella. She watched as the mother animatedly related the part where the Prince swore to only marry the girl to whom the slipper belonged and his quest finally led him to the home of Cinderella where, much to the dismay of her stepmother and stepsisters, the glass slipper fitted Cinderella perfectly and she ended up marrying her Prince Charming. The daughter had a broad smile on her face and clapped her hands in delight at the happy ending.

She still believed that a happily ever after was possible for her. It was not something that existed only once upon a time. Life definitely had a lot of beautiful things to offer. Why else would she be still living?

It was not time for her to leave this earth yet which is why she chose to stay. She could have allowed herself to be broken down and blamed him for her miseries. But that would have been the easy way out. She had grown up hearing fairy-tales. This was her chance to live her teachings from them. Just like Cinderella and her glass slipper, if something was meant for her, it would be a perfect fit. There would be no forcing, no struggling and no pain. And with this lesson, she stayed on earth joyously, living each day to the fullest, being grateful for all the blessings that were showered her way.

She was, after all, just a part of the cosmos, scattering her stardust all over the world. And she had been gathering it back ever since she had opened her eyes in this world. She hoped to find all her missing parts as life went by. The real challenge had been knowing if she could fit them right back into the jigsaw of her life and figuring out which parts were not the lost pieces of her being.

Too Much Candy! Too Much Crush!

Every night, as I lie in bed, I think of the day I have spent. It’s not something that I do consciously – the memories just come flashing back like a train hurtling through the darkness. Last night as I reflected on the activities of the day, there was a sudden intrusion of an unrelated thought: “It has been more than half an hour since I’ve been lying in bed without falling asleep. I must be having at least 3 lives now in Candy Crush! Let me play for some time and then try going back to sleep!”
I am a very lazy person. At the end of the day, especially, I am so lethargic that nothing can really drag me out of bed once I am on it. Yet I got up last night, took the effort of switching on my laptop and I played the game. To my joy, I had 4 and not 3 lives and I played Candy Crush for at least an hour before all my lives were exhausted. Then, I finally retired to bed and as I closed my eyes to fall asleep, I could still see the colourful shapes like a virtual Candy Crush in my head.

Dreaming about Candy Crush wasn’t a new occurrence for me. These dreams are recurring when I am stuck on a very difficult level for days! While I have played games like Bejeweled, Farmville, Mafia Wars, Angry Birds and Tetris in the past, never was I so hooked to these games the way I am in the case of Candy Crush. I mean this is the first time I am dreaming about a game in my sleep!

I know what you must be thinking, “Gosh! She is so addicted!” Perhaps, I am. Last night wasn’t my first clue. There have been times when I have told my friends that I’ll call them later because I was busy playing Candy Crush. Thankfully I do not switch on my laptop in the morning; otherwise, I am sure I would be late for work! I have always had a large circle of friends. However, I make it a point to clean my Facebook profile at least once in two months and delete those people from my list who I haven’t been in touch with for quite a long time – these days there are many people on my list for the sole reason that they, like me, play Candy Crush and deleting them would exhaust my supply of extra lives or moves! Candy Crush has even seeped into my daily conversations. Some days ago, a colleague of mine offered me a Kit Kat and harmlessly asked, “You like chocolate, right?” I replied, “Of course I love chocolate! Except when I am playing Candy Crush! That time, I keep wishing that chocolate never existed!” I looked at her puzzled face and asked her, “You don’t play Candy Crush?” She meekly shook her head to indicate a ‘no’ and was startled at my look of disbelief. I immediately downloaded Candy Crush on her Android phone and taught her to play. I take pride in declaring that on that particular date, I seduced another poor soul into getting addicted to the game! She actually had a Facebook status the next afternoon requesting all those people on her list who play Candy Crush to send her lives! I had a hearty laugh as I read her status!

Sometimes I thank my stars that I still have a Windows Phone; hence I cannot play that game on my mobile phone. I know people who keep their laptop, phone, iPad all next to them so that they can get fresh lives. My friend says that his mother plays Candy Crush on her phone and when she has exhausted her lives, she actually borrows his phone or his father’s phone to have another go at that game! That is the charm of Candy Crush – people of all ages and both, men and women, are addicted to that game. It does not matter if you are 16 or 60; everyone has become a Candy Crusher! I have managed to strike casual conversations with women on local trains while helping them cross a level on Candy Crush! Even now, when I am not playing the game, I am writing about it!

So, what makes Candy Crush so addictive? Is it the fact that you only have 5 consecutive attempts to advance and failing to do so blocks you from playing for at least 30 minutes? The game is fun and simple but I think the reason why it has become an addiction is its ability to make you long for it. Other games which offer you unlimited lives or simpler levels do not really catch your interest beyond a point of time. Each level of Candy Crush has something new to offer and each level gives you access to a new world of fun. Also, it incorporates the principles of classical conditioning and operant conditioning at amazingly ingenious levels!

I have been a Candy Crusher for almost a year now. I actually remember mentioning that Candy Crush was the most awesome discovery I made in 2013! How addicted, if at all, are you to Candy Crush?