It's that time of the year again when everyone is talking about new
beginnings. But how do you begin a new chapter when you haven't ended the
previous one? Can you just skip ahead without any real closure? I know I can't.
I find it very difficult to say good-byes. I wonder what I would tell
you before we parted again. Would I just shake your hand and watch you walk
away, without looking back even once at me as I stand seething in pits of bitter
unrequited love, or would I actually open my mouth and let those years of
bottled up feelings flow?
Some partings are well-made but one reason why I have never learned to
say good-bye to you is because you seem to hang on in almost all of my moments.
Even if we don't speak for weeks, each morning when I open my eyes, I feel your
presence - or rather it is the awareness of your absence that stirs me from my
slumber. Even at night, while I am asleep, you do not leave me alone; you creep
into the crevices of my dreams. It's been so long; yet I don't know why you
still hold such a special place in my heart.
There was a point in time when I finally decided it was time to forget
you. I had to let you go. That pursuit made me search for fragments of your
being in the people around me. When I realized it was impossible to recreate
something that had felt so perfect, I tried redefining perfection. Alas, I
horribly failed! I tried again, and then again, but each time, I failed even
more.
Everyone's life has a story but you were the first person who was
actually interested in reading my tale. You helped me discover myself; and, in
your own simple way, showed me what it truly meant to feel cared for. You
helped me become a better person. No matter how corny it sounds, you are the
reason why I smile, laugh and believe in unconditional love.
Every lovely thing has an ugly side and, unfortunately, things were no
different in our case. You shattered me. I single-handedly picked up the shards
of my broken self and tried to fix myself. With a little help, I was restored
to my previous state; but now that I had experienced what it felt like to be
loved and looked after, it became difficult for me to cope. I became
distrustful and swore that I would never rely on one person again. You taught
me a valuable lesson on the importance of self-reliance but I still haven't
mastered the lesson completely. One day, however, I hope to get to a place where
I will not depend on anyone but myself for my happiness. Someday, I hope to
emerge a stronger and more independent version of me.
But does that mean that I should just say good-bye and let you slip
from my hands? Each time this question pops in my head, my inner voice screams
"NO" because you felt (and still feel) like you're the best thing that
could have ever happened to me.
It's the end of this year but I know I am still holding on to you. The
next time we meet and it's time for us to say good-bye, I shall do so - I do
not know yet if it will be a permanent one or temporary but I shall hold on to
the illusion that our next meeting is just around the corner; and comfort
myself with the belief that our story will never really have to come to a real
ending.