Monday, 25 March 2013

Autobiography


I am walking down the cramped street that leads to a place I temporarily call home. The entire lane is bustling with people – people who are, probably, more actualized than I am, for they appear to be completely sure of where they are headed.  A part of me feels a tinge of jealousy. I wish I could walk like them with blinkers on. I feel lost and I can’t seem to focus. What troubles me more is the fact that I seem to enjoy being in this state – a part of me is secretly rejoicing at the thought that it has still not been found! As I get in touch with this part of me, another part begins its lament.

I am made up of all these parts. As a whole, I am much bigger than the sum of my parts – at least that is what Gestalt psychology would want me to believe – but if that is the case, why do I feel caught up in this tussle between the various parts of my personality? The voices in my head are constantly at loggerheads with one another – as one speaks, the other one analyses; when the other tries to make a point, the first part slashes it down with a long list of well-defined arguments. Both these parts belong to me but I find it really hard to play referee. Sometimes, life is not about making a list of pros and cons and judging which side outweighs the other.

Both these parts seem to be on opposing polarities. Is it possible for the same person to think on such extremes, I wonder. I am split in two; and each split part of me is sharing its own story. Which story is really mine? Which of the two parts is the real me? I am still to find answers to these questions.

I hide myself behind the curtains. I sneak a look at the mirror and see a reflection judging me. This same reflection is judging others too. I want to be neutral. I want an impartial view of things. But is that really possible? Am I asking for too much? After all, I am experiencing the world through my five senses – my five senses can only perceive the world as me and not anybody else. For a glimpse at another’s world, I would need to make use of their senses. We all make our own meanings out of the experiences that life bestows upon our way. This is the reason why I do not believe in a genre called ‘Non-Fiction’ even though it haunts me by silently crying out to me each time I visit a book-store. I do my best to not be lured into the trap – I know we are all just constructing our own realities; and some of us are trying to give it meaning by upgrading our experience of a perceived reality to an eternal truth.

I find it hard to believe that something is not fiction. I cannot write anything that is not autobiographical even though I have tried to do so a number of times. Detaching yourself from anything or anyone you are connected is not an easy task.  I am always dictated by my own perception of realities. You can try rationalizing with me but you might just end up becoming another voice, this time not in my head but in the field of my external reality. My senses will still continue to dominate and in the end, reason might just give up on me. Unfortunately, I tend to be ruled more by the heart than the head, these days.

I pay no heed to the suggestions that are hurled my way. Even though I pretend to shut my ears, I am still forced to listen. Some voices influence me more than others. Yes, I admit it – I am biased. I see no harm in preferring one thing over another. I am not the only one. Even your perceptions are coloured by your past. So, why am I the only one being judged? I admit that I am nothing more than an autobiography. When will you see who you really are?

30 comments:

  1. It's always good to be ruled by the heart :-)

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    1. :-) Everything has its fair share of consequences - there is no good or bad :)

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    2. Well you can say so ... depends on the situation actually !!!

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    3. Not on the situation :) On the side from which you are glancing at the situation ;)

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  2. Even in situation where we choose to follow the mind and its practical and logical conclusions, it only takes some time before we change course and get back to our heart's calling. By nature, we cannot tolerate going against our heart for too long. I have observed this many a times in life.
    We may go astray for a while but will inevitably return to that which appeals to us and makes us happy. How long we stay astray depends on our tolerance levels and the amount of resistance and fear we have for change.(All of which are needless and self imposed).
    Interesting thoughts you have expressed here Divya.

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    1. Thanks Aarthy, and what you said is quite true. We all tend to be ruled by the head for most part of our life but there always comes a juncture where the heart wins :)

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  3. This was a very interesting post, particularly where you stated that you find it hard to write anything that is not autobiographical even though you tried to do so. It's a very honest admission to make. There are very few people in this world who are ruled by the heart. You are one of such lucky few. Don't change that no matter what tests come your way. It's the only best way to be. Good luck and keep writing Divya.

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  4. There are no absolute right or wrong answers. A lot of life dwells in the grey area.

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    1. I agree that there is no absolute truth out there :) Which colour we choose to look at things is entirely up to us!

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  5. .... Then I question myself.., who is doing all the questioning.. Is it me? Which aspect of my personality is playing now? Is it the mind or the soul? Is duality, polarity and contradicting of everything the only reality? Is The polar nature of heart and head,a technique of evolution to experience more out of same incident? With the multitude of minds and souls does the game of creation ever rest? Is it so simple ? Is complexity just a polarity of simple imaginative game of mind? The answers will probably finish the game of creation. Hence should never the known. Shanthi Amen

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    1. So someone decided to make his presence felt :)
      And your questions have got my head spinning in completely another direction - but to answer your question, I don't believe in only duality - I think the universe is much more than that. I feel Western thought makes us focus just on dualities - for instance, when crossing the road we only look left and right :P - What about looking down (with the amount of pot-holes, even that is a necessity!) or looking above (to escape the blessings of a flying bird)? There are endless possibilities and we are always spoilt for choice!

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  6. Go with what your heart says.

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  7. Superlykd your post :)

    And please, please add subscribe by email gadget on your blog!

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    1. Just added the Follow By Email Gadget on my blog - I hope that is what you meant :)

      Thanks for the Like :D

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    2. Yup, that was exactly what I meant. And I might as well be the first person to sign up! yay!

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  8. Talk about internal conflicts...They happen all the time dont they?

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    1. Yes *sigh*
      But in the end, there is really no external conflict - everything is internal, don't you think?

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  9. for some reason , all voices in my head are screaming same thing , just the ways to say that and demand a right to be heard is different for different parts in me.

    And yet , I sometimes too enjoy being in the phase you describe so beautifully.

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    1. Ha!Ha! I guess each one of us goes through this phase :) The experience is unique to every person!

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    2. yes . It gets as good as you make out of your thoughts and feelings :)

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  10. I loved this portrayal of your inner conflicts so beautifully!!
    It had me nodding yess yess to so many instances that I got tired of it and then stuck to just saying hmmmmm :)


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    1. Reading this comment brought a smile on my face :) :)

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  11. Hmmm each one of those conflicts made me wonder if it was an autobiography or a biography - Mine!!! Really good Divya. I like the passion that shines through the words

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  12. Loved the post, Divya! I also have these unending conversations with the voices in my head, sometimes it is exhausting. He he, I also feel self-actualization has been so far elusive to me:)

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    1. :) :) Thanks Dear! Don't worry - Self-actualization is not worth its hype :P (Ha!Ha! Reading this statement on a psychologist's blog will hopefully give you solace!!)

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